ten years.

Ten years.

Ten years ago today my father died and changed my world forever. I know I have talked about this on my blog before and I don’t want to depress everyone, but I will just say that this has been a tremendously hard anniversary for me. For some reason, and I really cannot figure out why, it feels just as painful as it did the first anniversary (deathiversary?). I’ve had some rough days over the past month and while I thought I’d be on more solid ground by today, I just am not. And frankly, I feel a little bit stupid because ten years is a long-assed time and I should be less of a mess right now (and, really, usually I'm fine). But I’m just being honest. I'm not OK, not today. Not right now.

So I will just say that I miss my dad today. Every day.

(pic from November, 1996)

sometimes I try to be a nice person

So a couple of months ago I decided I was tired of obsessing about all of the things that were wrong in my life and decided I wanted to put some good vibes out into the world. So I signed up to be a Chemo Angel.

'WTF are you talking about now, Amanda?' I am sure you are asking. Well, I read about this organization a few years ago - basically they recruit people to be "Angels" to patients throughout the country who are undergoing chemo. You can either be a Chemo Angel, which means you send cards and little gifts to your recipient at least once a week, or be a Card Angel, which means you send at least one card a week to your recipient. You can't write anything negative, so I thought this would be a good exercise for me - to, for once in my life, be more of a "glass half full" instead of "glass half empty" kind of person.

Because my life is crazy enough as it is, I signed up to be a Card Angel - I didn't think I had enough time to buy and ship gifts every week. A few weeks later I was approved and recieved my recipient's info a couple of weeks after that. It is all very private so I won't give you any information about who I have, but I will say that I requested to NOT have a child - I just didn't think I could handle that, especially if he/she didn't make it.

So what the heck do I write about? Well, each week I buy a cheery/funny card and then write a one-page letter about my life, my job, my family, my dogs, potty training, the weather, the boat - whatever. It felt kind of strange - like, why would anyone even want to read this stuff? (Of course, I think the same thing about this blog.) They tell you that you should never really expect to hear back from your recipient, but if you want to include your contact info, you can, just in case they want to contact you.

Sure enough, a few weeks later I heard from my recipient's spouse. He/she contacts me fairly regularly with updates on my recipient's health and what is going on in their lives. He/she told me that my letters and cards have really been helping - and in fact, when this week's doctor report looked like chemo may be ending soon, I was told that my recipient asked what would happen to me, and that he/she would miss my correspondence, and hopes I will continue keeping in touch.

I feel lucky that I got someone whose spouse decided to contact me, to make me feel like I was actually doing something helpful. It was a great way to start out in this program, and I definitely think it's something I will continue to do.

If you're interested - www.chemoangels.net

weekend recap.

So my family managed to stay healthy this weekend! Can you believe it?! No, me either. But it's true. And we actually had a really nice three-day weekend. Bonus!

Saturday we went to my cousin's son's first birthday party. It is amazing to me that he is already one - it seems like yesterday that Michelle was sitting on her couch with her two kids and Jane, and I said, "See, Michelle, that's what it would it be like if you had THREE kids, ha ha ha" - and then she just looked at me and said, "um...as a matter of fact..." and BAM, seven or so months later, along came Luke. So it was fun to see my whole family, because we rarely all get together in the doldrums of winter. And Jane had a blast, playing with toys and kids that she doesn't usually see. Also she got to eat dip, which basically made it an A+ day for her (don't know where she got that from).

Sunday was Valentine's Day. We went down to the beach for lunch and saw my in-laws, and then went over my mother's in the evening. Jane got all sorts of presents for Valentine's Day - not from us, mind you (although the Dora card I got her DID have a sheet of stickers) - but from everyone else. It was really sweet and felt a little like a mini-Christmas.

Today we sent Jane into daycare and then I hung out with Greg all day. He had stuff to do down in New London, and basically we spent most of the day in the car, but it was still fun. Then we had Jane's preschool orientiation (!!!) later this afternoon. The preschool rooms at her daycare are in the magical upstairs area (which you get to via an OMG ELEVATOR OMG) and wow, they are sure different than the rooms she has been in thus far. More classroom-like (but not very) and way more cool toys and areas for her to play in. She's going to love it. She'll hate the transition, I'm sure, but I just have a feeling once she gets used to it, she'll really thrive. Here's hoping. She doesn't start up there until she turns three though, which isn't as far away as you'd think (sob).

So that was my weekend. Hope yours was good too!

gross.

So this week has been a doozy.

The fine weather forecasters had been informing us of the GREATEST MOST GIGANTIC SNOWSTORMAGEDDONPOCALYPSE that would be hitting us on Wednesday. So even though when I woke up on Wednesday morning the snow wasn't falling yet, I kept Jane home and decided to work from home, and just waited for the many, many promised inches of white stuff to fall from the sky.

And the snow wasn't coming. And it was actually starting to look like the sun came out. And I felt more and more stupid. Until my stomach decided to revolt on my and I started throwing up.

I never get stomach bugs. Wait, let me edit that. I never GOT stomach bugs until Jane started daycare. But usually I get them FROM her. This time I'm terrified I'm going to give it TO her. I had no idea I was contageous on Wednesday morning, so of course I made no effort to stay away from her.

I spent Wednesday from about 11 a.m. on barely able to move in bed, and then Thursday I made an effort go to work, but decided I had to go back to bed after I took a shower. I was too exhausted. I finally went back to work today, but still don't feel great. And now I am just waiting for Jane and/or Greg to get sick.

So, yeah. A nasty week for sure. Oh, and I think we ended up getting about five inches of snow. But boy, am I glad I stayed home anyway.

weekend. update.

So it's the weekend. It's 7:15 p.m. on Friday night, but my work week has not yet ended. I have to go back to work at 10 p.m. to do something (since I don't officially talk about work here I will refer to it as *something*) (which sounds quite mysterious, actually), and I will FINALLY be done with this really-long-feeling week by 11 p.m.-ish. I felt the need to complain about working late here, since I've already done it on Facebook, Twitter, and to anyone unfortunate enough to talk to me today.

This week I managed to pinch my sciatic nerve whilst giving Jane a bath. Jane continues to refuse to bathe like a regular person because of her fear of pooping in the tub, so now our bathtime routine is chock full of toys, bubbles, crying and now, extreme pain. I was sort of swinging Jane around to pop bubbles and I think that's when I managed to break myself. And now I can barely walk without making weird grunty noises.

All that said - it's the weekend (in four hours)! And here's what's up:

Saturday: We're going to my in-laws tomorrow during the day, because we have to get out of this god forsaken house. Luckily Connecticut is missing out on the GREAT STORM O' THE UNIVERSE ON ALL TIME so no snow for us! And for me, that's a big, fat YAY. Saturday night I have a hottt date with Todd and Alan. We will be going to work house at Hole in the Wall and see this show.

Sunday: It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I am certain there are at least two teams playing. I have no idea who they are, however. Still, like a good American, I will be going to a Super Bowl party, and plan to focus exclusively on eating crap food and shushing people during the commercials.

What are you doing this weekend?