staring at the ceiling

As you know, Jane's bedtime routine these days is less than desirable. Since she got her big girl bed, she needs me to lay next to her bed until she falls asleep. If I leave her room, she follows me out, over and over. She will not stay in that bed for anything - unless I'm next to her.

I often hate this. I hate the fact that I hate this. I am trying not to. It's just that I'm just there, on the floor, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the precious moments of Amanda Time that are being used up by....nothing. This part of the night often takes at least a half hour, never mind the fact that I've moved her bedtime from 7 to 8. So while I used to have a good couple of hours of free time until I went to bed, now I'm down to maybe an hour. Often less. So I get frustrated. And angry, sometimes, that she won't just. fall. asleep. And then I get mad at myself.

See, the time of Jane's life when she's going to want me so close, all the time, is fleeting. According to some friends of mine, she could start hating me as early as four years from now. Mother-daughter relationships are often tough, especially during those horrfying puberty years, which, from what I understand, start at about 10 years old now. I worshipped my mother as a child - but we definitely ran into tough territory when I was a teenager.

So I am trying. Trying to realize that, all too soon, I will desperately miss the days that all I had to do to make Jane happy was to lay down next to her, and watch her drift to sleep.