Wednesday, December 07, 2011

reverb 11 day 7 - forgiveness

(PS to yesterday's post: My friend and number-one commenter Dwayne is obviously very funny. There. I said it. Are you happy now, Dwayne?)

Today’s prompt asks: Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

 I will admit it – I almost bailed on this prompt. Nothing immediately popped into my mind and this week is so busy with my show, I didn’t think I’d even have time to half-assedly come up with something, especially on such a heavy topic.

But then I started thinking about it. And, like so many prompts that inspire reflection, it came back to me – or rather, how I see myself. I have said it here, and everywhere, time and time again this year – EVERY year - that I need to lose 10 pounds. I need to lose 10 pounds, and I won’t be happy until I lose 10 pounds, and then I will be the weight I want to be, I should be, and all will be right with the world.

Ever since I turned 12, and puberty settled in for a niiiiice looooong stay, I have never had the ideal body – and by that I mean, what society will tell you the ideal body is. I have hips, I have boobs, I have a stomach – one, that even when I weighed 20 pounds less that I do now, was never flat. I'm rather short. And although I’ve been this way for the bulk of my life – it’s like I can’t forgive myself for it. It’s just not RIGHT.

We get off on trashing ourselves, I think. I know I do. If someone says something bad about themselves, well, don’t we all just jump in and criticize ourselves as well, to somehow make them feel better? It’s so easy. I could name 10 things, off the top of my head, that I can’t stand about myself. That sucks!

Why don’t I look at the positives? I exercise, 5-6 times a week, sometimes every day. I do try to eat right, more and more as I get older, because I realize it actually makes me feel better. Sure, I have shitty days, as we all do, but I certainly wouldn’t say I live a sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle. So why isn’t that good enough? In fact, why isn’t that GREAT? Why can’t I forgive myself for being the way I naturally am? Why can’t I celebrate it?

I try to look at it this way – I need to be a positive example to Jane. I refuse to make it OK to trash myself in front of my daughter. She will be assaulted enough by the images thrown at her from all directions depicting what the ideal is – in the eyes of the media, or celebrity, or magazines etc, anyway. If she sees me exercising, and trying to eat right, and, probably most importantly, NOT MAKING IT OK TO SELF-CRITICIZE, maybe - hopefully – she will do the same for herself. Or at least see that it’s a possibility. That it's just a better way to live, to be.

So, I guess this year – and every year – I continue to make progress on forgiving myself….for being myself.

(this really was written off-the-cuff, and I have no real time to edit – I know it could be better, and certainly more coherent, but I wanted to post something.)

8 comments:

Ty Unglebower said...

I have run into several people who have opted to write about forgiving themselves in this reverb11 post. I take note of it, because I also wrote about forgiving myself!

I suppose in the end we forget that we are bot just one singular, static consciousness, but a collects of moods and aspects, controlled to varying degrees by various stimuli. Which will sometimes if not each day, requiring a forgiveness of ourselves for one reason or the other.

lolasangria said...

i can't even try to fathom the difference it would have made to my adolescence and adulthood if i hadn't grown up around women who were constantly hating their bodies, out loud, openly. i had an eating disorder as a teenager and every day i struggle to be ok with what i see in the mirror, and it sucks. we all need to teach the next generation of women differently.

Dwayne "The Train" said...

i will admit it – i almost bailed on this prompt. nothing immediately popped into my mind and this week is so busy with my [not show], i didn’t think i’d even have time to half-assedly come up with something, especially on such a heavy topic.

but then i started thinking about it. and, like so many prompts that inspire reflection, it came back to me: I WANTED TO F*CKING KILL DAVID YATES FOR THE WAY HE RUINED THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN HARRY AND VOLDERMORT.

as long-time readers of my blog comments, you all know that i am a huge fan of both the books and the movies. i eagerly anticipated this last movie (as evidenced here: pinterest.com/dhmarshal/deathly-hallows). i went to the midnight showing. i loved so much: from the animation of the hogwats statues to the death of fred; from the silver doe to the infamous duel between molly and bellatrix.

then it gets to the final battle, and voldermort just turns to fucking dust. seriously, that's all i get? the greatest dark lord of all time just flakes away. not to mention, this is the final, FINAL impression i am left with. no more books, no more movies, no redo. i hated yates.

to be honest, i haven't actually forgiving him yet. it still pulls at my soul knowing that i will never have that epic final moment; however, i have had to move on, especially given the recent announcement that yates may be doing the DOCTOR WHO movie.

dear yates (assuming he reads your blog), if you make this movie, please do not ruin the Doctor.

(this really was written off-the-cuff, and I have no real time to edit – I know it could be better, and certainly more coherent, but I wanted to post something.)

#reverb11

also, here’s my reply to not yesterday’s prompt: playing with my d***.

Jason said...

You're right, we do trash ourselves at every turn, or as you already stated "at least I do", and it isn't productive. We need to look at ourselves honestly, not critically. Forgiving oneself is the hardest person to forgive. great post, thanks for sharing it.

mark said...

I think trashing ourselves is a communal activity. Mainly because it's more acceptable than telling everyone else how f**king cool you really are.

Be good for Jane. Be better for yourself.

Brandeewine said...

A) Woman, you are crazy, gorgeous. I don't know where you're keeping that 10 pounds.

B) We are incredibly hard on ourselves...we all end up having to forgive ourselves, first.

C)This Dwayne Dude is pretty freakin' funny.

Hugs to you during Hell Week!

Tracy said...

We are always hardest on ourselves. we know the flaws, the lines, the wrinkles, the flab but we forget that it is part of who we are. i am still coming to terms with myself and it is not easy. but it is necessary. amanda, you are just right just as you are...

Lora said...

nope, i don't think it could be better.

Because it speaks for all us women and it speaks just like us all. And we all need a good dose of forgiveness and self love.

Thank you!