(PS to yesterday's post: My friend and number-one commenter Dwayne is obviously very funny. There. I said it. Are you happy now, Dwayne?)
Today’s prompt asks: Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?
I will admit it – I almost bailed on this prompt. Nothing immediately popped into my mind and this week is so busy with my show, I didn’t think I’d even have time to half-assedly come up with something, especially on such a heavy topic.
But then I started thinking about it. And, like so many prompts that inspire reflection, it came back to me – or rather, how I see myself. I have said it here, and everywhere, time and time again this year – EVERY year - that I need to lose 10 pounds. I need to lose 10 pounds, and I won’t be happy until I lose 10 pounds, and then I will be the weight I want to be, I should be, and all will be right with the world.
Ever since I turned 12, and puberty settled in for a niiiiice looooong stay, I have never had the ideal body – and by that I mean, what society will tell you the ideal body is. I have hips, I have boobs, I have a stomach – one, that even when I weighed 20 pounds less that I do now, was never flat. I'm rather short. And although I’ve been this way for the bulk of my life – it’s like I can’t forgive myself for it. It’s just not RIGHT.
We get off on trashing ourselves, I think. I know I do. If someone says something bad about themselves, well, don’t we all just jump in and criticize ourselves as well, to somehow make them feel better? It’s so easy. I could name 10 things, off the top of my head, that I can’t stand about myself. That sucks!
Why don’t I look at the positives? I exercise, 5-6 times a week, sometimes every day. I do try to eat right, more and more as I get older, because I realize it actually makes me feel better. Sure, I have shitty days, as we all do, but I certainly wouldn’t say I live a sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle. So why isn’t that good enough? In fact, why isn’t that GREAT? Why can’t I forgive myself for being the way I naturally am? Why can’t I celebrate it?
I try to look at it this way – I need to be a positive example to Jane. I refuse to make it OK to trash myself in front of my daughter. She will be assaulted enough by the images thrown at her from all directions depicting what the ideal is – in the eyes of the media, or celebrity, or magazines etc, anyway. If she sees me exercising, and trying to eat right, and, probably most importantly, NOT MAKING IT OK TO SELF-CRITICIZE, maybe - hopefully – she will do the same for herself. Or at least see that it’s a possibility. That it's just a better way to live, to be.
So, I guess this year – and every year – I continue to make progress on forgiving myself….for being myself.
(this really was written off-the-cuff, and I have no real time to edit – I know it could be better, and certainly more coherent, but I wanted to post something.)