Friday, June 03, 2011

in which I prove my kid is trying to kill my face.

Edit book: check!

So, I promised you I would tell you about how Jane is trying to kill my face.

Last Wednesday, I was rushing out the door to work. Now, some days I’m in my bat-cave office and I don’t have to see any outsiders. This day was one of the days when I had to see lots of outsiders. I leaned over Jane (maybe to fix her hair or shirt or something) and she jerked her head up fast and hard. My mouth exploded in pain.

“OHMYGOD OH MYGOD is it bleeding?” I said (OK, yelled) to Greg, as I felt around my teeth to make sure they were all there.

“Um, yeah…” he replied. Turns out, my stupid tongue was in the way of my teeth when they clamped together, and the result was a tongue, as one friend put it, “that looked like it went through a meat grinder.”

So yeah. Tons of bleeding. Cuts. Blisters. Wreckage. Slurred speech. More bleeding throughout the day, pretty much whenever I talked. It’s still healing.

When it happened, of course, Jane started crying too, because she also wanted to see my tongue. I poked out the front, non-bleeding part, so she wouldn’t be upset.

One thing about parenting they don’t tell you: when you are in tons of pain yourself, you have to spend your pity-party time making your kid feel better about what just happened. EVEN IF IT IS HER FAULT.

(Important side note: even Greg felt sorry for me. And this is the guy who tells people my labor and delivery was pretty easy.)

Fast forward three days. Over the weekend, we were at the boat. We were walking around the marina, and I bent over Jane to fix her bathing suit straps. WHAMMO. Same hard, fast head jerk. This time, she bashed my nose.

This time, I couldn’t keep myself from crying. It hurt so much, I couldn’t stop myself. I mean, seriously – I heard CRACKING when it happened.

“OHMY GOD, OHMYGOD, is it bleeding?” I wailed to Greg. No bleeding. Turns out, no broken bones, either, but the bridge of my nose STILL hurts, and it’s almost been a week.

Once again, Jane was crying. One again, Greg actually felt sorry for me.

And now it is clear. Jane is working her way from the bottom to the top, in an effort to break my face. And the eyes are next. Help me!


Jason said...

Sounds like it's time to convince her she likes wearing hats, big hats stuffed with cotton, (for extra comfort).

Jen G said...

I've taken a handful of shots from Mia and Cam over the years. It really is the worst - i think because you obviously can't retaliate. If Geoff elbowed me in the head as he was having some spastic fit, you can bet there would be shared pain. With the kids..."no no, mommy's eyes are watering because of allergies...". I think there's a business case for mommy protective head gear.

Brandee said...

Oh, man. I'm laughing WITH you, really! I have a ton of stories like this, although mine involve my feet. I tend to run around barefoot a lot, and I'm constantly stubbing or hitting them on things. That's right about the time my kids go on a foot stomping spree. Ugh. I'm so sorry. Wishing you popsicles for the tongue, and safety goggles for your eyes!

lgaumond said...

I like the big hats stuffed with cotton idea.

Stereo said...

I'm sorry. I'm SORRY! I really am but this is HILARIOUS!! I do hope your various faceparts do heal soon, my darling.