Today’s Scintilla prompt asks: Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?
A part of me that was greatly diminished after my father died unexpectedly was my ability to laugh easily. I’m kind of known for my wildly loud laughing among certain friends – I surround myself with funny people and then laugh myself sick. It’s an excellent way to live, I tell you.
When my father died – well, understandably, my sense of joy died for quite a while too. I couldn’t laugh, I got severely depressed, turned into a major hypochondriac, and was a miserable wreck for a long time. Eighteen months after that happened my brother got into a near-fatal car accident. My friend died of brain cancer. My uncle died. September 11 happened. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. This was all well within two years.
I felt dead. I was in survival mode. I sat in my apartment for long periods of time and stared at the wall.
It took a very long time to get myself back, if that makes any sense. To have fun, to feel joy, to laugh.It felt selfish, you know?
I am glad to say that in the decade-plus since, I have been able to recoup that ability to let loose with a cackle. It took a ton of work. It took a massive amount of support from friends. It took a lot letting go of the idea that life is a controllable thing. But was it worth it?
Oh, hell yes.