Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Scintilla day 5: lost and gained

Today’s Scintilla prompt asks: Show a part of your nature that you feel you've lost. Can you get it back? Would it be worth it?

 A part of me that was greatly diminished after my father died unexpectedly was my ability to laugh easily. I’m kind of known for my wildly loud laughing among certain friends – I surround myself with funny people and then laugh myself sick. It’s an excellent way to live, I tell you.

When my father died – well, understandably, my sense of joy died for quite a while too. I couldn’t laugh, I got severely depressed, turned into a major hypochondriac, and was a miserable wreck for a long time. Eighteen months after that happened my brother got into a near-fatal car accident. My friend died of brain cancer. My uncle died. September 11 happened. I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. This was all well within two years.

 I felt dead. I was in survival mode. I sat in my apartment for long periods of time and stared at the wall.

 It took a very long time to get myself back, if that makes any sense. To have fun, to feel joy, to laugh.It felt selfish, you know?

I am glad to say that in the decade-plus since, I have been able to recoup that ability to let loose with a cackle. It took a ton of work. It took a massive amount of support from friends. It took a lot letting go of the idea that life is a controllable thing. But was it worth it?

Oh, hell yes.

9 comments:

Marie said...

What a horrendous two years you had. Great work, recovering your laughter. I'm glad you are here, writing!

Anonymous said...

Hooray for you! :) People who are able to get back on their feet after tough times and continue to laugh right along with life are the best!

Anna said...

Hooray for you! :) People who are able to get back on their feet after tough times and continue to laugh right along with life are the best!

mrs mediocrity said...

I am so glad. I love a good cackle laugh.

Patti said...

Fate can be such an unrelenting bitch, leaving you tied on the rocks for the incoming tide on a continuous loop like Groundhog Day. How's that for mixed metaphors? It's late and I'm barely coherent.

I'm so glad you found your way back to joy. I'm always amazed by how much work is involved in being happy.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad this came back to you. Often times, your laughter over Twitter is the only laughter I hear on a given day. I can fairly envision you shouting: "OMG, you GUYS....!!!" with each new exploit.

lgaumond said...

I'm sorry, I'm so far behind on the commenting.

I too am thrilled that you got your laugh back because I can say from experience, it's a great one.

Tracy said...

It's like the wind being sucked out of you. It changes you. That is unavoidable. But you were always there and you found your way back and we love you just the way you are -crazy, zany, fun and vivacious. Hugs.

Dwayne "The Train" said...

your laugh is really the only part about you that i like, so i too am happy you got your laugh back. like i was happy when arial got her voice back in the little mermaid. it made my epically sad when the fucking squid witch stole it. what a bitch.

ps: Nobody beat us, fry us and eat us. In frickazee.