today sucked, and then someone said I look like a movie star

So, today really sucked. And then something awesome happened. But mostly it sucked.

Jane had a field trip at school today, which meant that after I dropped her off in the morning, I actually had a couple of free hours before work. Like any masochist, I decided to use that time to get a cavity filled.

A couple of weeks ago when I went for my cleaning, the dentist told me I really really needed to get a cavity filled that had formed under a filling and was, apparently, really close to the nerve. I didn't have any pain, and he was quite surprised about that. When I went in today for the filling, he told me not to be surprised if it turned out I needed a root canal, so if I wanted to postpone the whole thing until I felt pain, that was an option. I asked if there was any chance it would just be a regular filling. He said there was a small chance, so I decided to go for it.

So, yeah, after much drilling and, yes, eventual pain, it turned out I needed a root canal. Motherfucker, I hate going to the dentist as it is, and root canals are a nightmare - I had another one eight years ago, a mere four weeks before my wedding, when one of my teeth decided to fall apart in a blaze of glory. I was able to get into an endodontics office this afternoon, so I called in sick, cried for a while in my car because I don't want to deal with this in any way and went in for that hellish appointment.

It was just as pleasant and fun as your typical major dental work, and super-expensive to boot. And that's before I even have the crown work done, which will happen soon. I don't usually say "FML," but FML, you know?

Oh, I need to add in the part where they used so much novocaine the right side of my face was (and continues to be, 6 hours later) completely numb from my chin to my eye. MY EYE. My eye has never been numb before. I cannot move the right side of my face at all.

This afternoon also happens to be when I planned to meet up with my friends Beth and Lisa. Lisa's poor pup and beloved friend of us all, Molly, had to be put down last week, and I wanted to do a check-in with Lisa, so we planned to meet at Starbucks at 4. My face was nowhere near moving at that point, but I went anyway, because this was a special meeting. Luckily enough for Lisa, I also forgot my wallet/bag thingy, so I let her buy me coffee too.

Yeah, that's right:my friend WHO IS MOURNING HER DOG had to buy me coffee. God, I suck.

BUT THEN: As we were waiting for our coffees, the most amazing thing happened. The barista dude looks at me and says, for real, "you look like Sandra Bullock." He sincerely said this. For real. Out of his mouth.

So me and my half-face laughed and laughed in a really creepy way no doubt, and it was awesome.

And how's your Wednesday?

scintilla day 9: body-licious

Today’s Scintilla prompt asks: Talk about the ways in which your body is awesome.

To which, of course, I laughed. Hard.

Because we’re trained, right? Trained to immediately think, oh, yeah, right. MY body? Awesome? No way! I need to lose weight, I’m flabby/out of shape/saggy/wrinkled/tired/old/my hair’s not right/my nose is big/my/my/my/my is NO GOOD.

Until the end of time.

And, look. I feel that way about myself. I'm won't lie. But, fuck it, I thought. I’ll give it a shot.

So. Ways in which my body is awesome.

Well, it works. That’s right. My brain works (shut up) and my organs seem to be functioning. I can’t see for shit, but hey, I’ve got these glasses, and they work. I have some slight hearing loss as a result of great seats at too many concerts, but my ears mostly work. I’m 38 and haven’t seen a grey hair in years, and not because I dye my hair. I’ve got freckles galore but that’s because I love the sun, OK? And I’m not tall, no, but who really cares about that.

My stomach area will never be what I want it to be. Never has, never will. But hey – it stretched to its limit to house Jane, didn’t it? In fact, didn’t my body actually GROW A HUMAN? Well, that’s something. That’s something indeed. And then birthed her! That’s right. This body that I complain about daily if not hourly, grew and birthed my daughter. No bad, body. Not bad at all.

My legs. My legs that I ALWAYS want thinner, or more muscular, well, they sure get me to where I need to go, don’t they? They have walked thousands of miles just for exercise alone! And my arms. No matter how much minor weight-lifting I do (and I do, I do) they won’t look how I want them to look, no they won’t. But they have carried a lot of shit. You know, literally and figuratively. (What? I have dogs.)

There is a lot of rheumatoid arthritis in my family. My dad had it terribly, and several other close family members have it as well. So far, I seem to be arthritis free. That’s something to celebrate, right? That's actually really huge, if you know how awful RA is. Yay, body!

My body is currently very hungry right now, as I push through this 17 Day Diet program. And sure, it’s grumbly, but it’s doing what I want it to do, right? It’s responding to this insulting push of a high protein and low carb diet, and it’s losing that extra weight that has been sticking around for far too long. It's probably getting healthier even. Running better. More streamlined.

For someone who insults the shit out of her body and has for the past 38 years, deep, deep down (because you’re never supposed to be happy with yourself publicly, right?) I really am grateful, so grateful for everything this body has given me. It’s just good to be reminded of that every once in a while.

 My body at one of its heftier points.

zillionth verse, same at the first

I spent the bulk of yesterday half or completely asleep. I have had this recurring sinus-headache-something head pain that mostly sidelined me yesterday. All I could do was lie down. I’ve had this on and off over the past several weeks and I think it also is trigged by changing weather patterns (today we have ice and rain) and something going on with my sinuses. I don’t know. It sucks. I am not someone who sleeps in the middle of the day. I hate wasting weekends. But there you have it. It’s still lingering this afternoon.

So between Saturday’s snow, yesterday’s blah-feeling, and my complete loathing of the dreadmill, I didn’t exercise at all this weekend. Pair that with eating like shit, and I woke up today with a new resolution, AGAIN, to revamp my exercise/eating life.

I know last month I said I was doing really well with exercise, and I haven’t been a total disaster this month – but instead of going six days a week, I am instead going three or four – and that’s not good enough, not even close.

Unless it is truly freezing out, the cold air does me tons of good. It wakes me up and gives me energy. By the time I get home around 7:15 a.m. I have a clear itinerary for the rest of the day. I feel better about myself. And, best of all, I don't have to guilt-trip myself for the rest of the damn day.

Why do I give myself excuses, then? Sure, if I really don’t feel well, that’s fine. But I SHOULD have gotten on that treadmill on Saturday while it snowed outside. I really didn’t have any reason not to, other than my complete and utter hatred of treadmilling. No excuses. No excuses. No excuses.

And my eating is no good. Again – it’s not a total disaster, but I could be doing SO much better. Once again – it’s not good enough, not even close. I’m maintaining in terms of weight, but I still have that stooopid 10 pounds to lose, and I really really want it gone, even more than I want cookies. Unless a cookie is right in front of me. Then it’s all, why, helloooo cookie. But today! Today I avoided not one, but TWO boxes of donuts at work today. That's something.

Another Monday, another resolution to do better. How’s your day?

reverb10 day 14: appreciate

Today's reverb10 prompt comes from author Victoria Klein:

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

This is an easy one for me. Sure, I could talk about appreciating my child, my family, my job, etc - and of course I DO - but I wanted this answer to be 2010-focused. So for that reason, the thing I came to appreciate the most this year is a calm stomach.

My stomach totally revolted on me this summer. I am not going to get into the gritty details, but I went months and months with only a handful of days of feeling good. It was truly awful. I went through some particularly unpleasant testing, and there was no real diagnosis -and I believe, at this point, that a good portion of it was stress-induced and poor diet-induced. I was lucky (??) to have a couple of friends going through the same types of issues, so at least I had people to commiserate with. (I know, "lucky" isn't quite the right word for this - especially not for them.)

I still have bad days. But I have learned what some of the triggers are, and I have really started to try to eat right - at 37, I still eat like a 12-year-old boy a lot of the time. But I'm working on it.

And now - man oh man, I really appreciate having a calm stomach. A LOT.