Friday, November 19, 2010

guest post!

And now, the much-anticipated review of the new Harry Potter movie by my friend, colleague, number-one commenter, and all-around insane person, Dwayne:

First, to those coming here today expecting to get your daily dose of Amanda, I apologize. While I would never presume I could replace her quality musings, I do suspect you will enjoy the following for two reasons: 1) it’s about Harry Potter, and 2) it’s by me.

If you have had the misfortune to stumble upon my recent blog comments, you will know that I am a Harry Potter fan (also that I am well prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse, that i am hypocritical when it comes to the length of blog posts vs blog comments, and that I very concerned with Jane’s upbringing). I saw the new movie last night, and Amanda allowed me (begged is a more appropriate verb) to write a review.

As I am sure is almost universally the case, it is the books that captured my heart; the movies are just the illegitimate children of my love affair with Harry. (It’s probably appropriate at this point to explain that I often use the term “Harry” to refer to the entire world of Harry Potter, not just the character.)

While book 5 (that’s Order of the Phoenix for all you muggles) is my favorite, book 7 (Deathly Hallows) is a very, very close second. There is so much stuff that happens in this book that it’s kind of ridiculous. We learn about the life and times of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. We hear the story of the three Peverell brothers through The Tales of Beedle the Bard. We spend some (painful) time inside Malfoy Manor. We lose Ron, but get him back. We lose others, but don’t get them back. We ride a half-blind dragon. Magic is Might. The Silver Doe. Battle of Hogwarts. King's Cross. SO MUCH HAPPENS, and I love every word of it. Every. Single. Word. Which is all really to say, I am biased toward loving this movie. And I do love it. A lot.

The best (read: easiest) way I can come up with to review this movie is to do it à la James Joyce’s Ulysses; that is to say, a stream-of-consciousness rambling of my thoughts as they occurred to me while watching the movie. So, if you really want to know my review, you might have to decipher a bit, but it is well worth it:

I am religious about watching the trailers; it’s part of the whole experience of watching a movie. OMG, The Green Lantern is going to suck. For reals suck.

Brilliant way to start the movie…it sets up the prevailing motifs perfectly.

Malfoy Manor reminds me of a M.C. Escher print…also, ugh, I hate snakes.

Wait, what the hell is happening?! There’s too much going on…brooms…thestrals…and an owl…I can’t keep up…this is not at all like a Jason Bourne action scene.

The wedding scene…I had such high expectations…wait, that’s not a lynx…it’s supposed to be a lynx, right?

Again, another action scene disappoints.

I hate that bitch Dolores Umbridge. Expecto Patronum! Oh shit, that’s not what I thought a splinching would look like.

The constant hum of the radio is a brilliant touch…you can see the tension building in Ron…he’s starting to look a bit crazy…like Frodo Baggins did toward the end of his journey to Mount Doom in LOTR.

Dancing? Now? Really? Fine. It’s random, but sweet.

Eff, I really hate snakes, and old people, and snakes dressed up as old people.

Wow…superfluous nudity…not sure if this is a win or fail, but the girls in the audience are literally screaming with delight.

Xenophilius’s house is designed perfectly…wait…animation…what is happening?! This may have been the best part of the movie so far…such a brilliant way to tell that story.

Holy shit, this movie moves so fast…we barely have time to digest what just happened before moving on to something else.

WTF…another action scene fail...Dear Director Yates, please don’t ruin The Battle of Hogwarts. Please? Thanks.

And we’re back at Malfoy Manor… it’s going to be a hard, hard scene to get through. Effing love Bellatrix Lestrange…Helena Bonham Carter is crazy and it’s perfect.

Shit…I forgot about this part…it is definitely overdramatized, but it must work because numerous girls are openly sobbing now…loud…and disgustingly.

I hate grave robbers.

My Rating: 5 out of 5 wands made of holly with a core of phoenix feather.

PS: I should admit that I have never read Ulysses, in spite of trying numerous times. I have, however, read a lot about Ulysses and intend to read it one day. It's on my bucket list.

PPS: Since I am in the mood to confess things, I should also admit that I have never read the first two books or even seen the first two movies. I know. Bombshell.

[Editor's note: I have no idea what this entire post means. It makes literally no sense to me. But thanks for taking over for me for a day Dwayne!]


Shane said...

Are you freaking kidding me? How can you possibly call yourself a fan if you have no idea what even occurs in the first 2/7 of the series? You are a miserable failure of a human being.

Clearly this was meant for Dwayne. Sorry your blog has been hijacked, Amanda.

Dwayne "The Train" said...

amanda, seriously, this is your best post yet. congratulations.

shane, dwayne didn't say he doesn't know what occurs. there's a little thing called the internet that filled in the gaps for dwayne. also, stop with the inserting of fractions at any point you can. we get it. you think you're smart.

Flann said...

I, too, saw the movie at midnight on Thursday and feel this review lacks adequate descriptions of the attendees' attire. Because everyone knows, where there is a midnight premiere, there are crazies in costumes. I personally saw many slutty Hermiones, a few slutty house elves, a few regular house elves, a Hagrid and a Bellatrix.

Otherwise, I completely agree with this review.

Confession: I was one of those crying girls. But I kept it quiet!