Wednesday, November 17, 2010

two lines (an ode to a Target bathroom stall)

Attention male readers: The following post features some lady business. Proceed with caution.

Because I’m a total nerd, I remember a LOT of anniversaries. Sure, typical things like wedding anniversaries and birthdays and stuff like that, but also completely random anniversaries – which is why I know it was four years ago today that I found out I was pregnant.

We had been trying for just a couple of months. I had been feeling crampy and crappy for the previous few days, and figured I was getting my period. I was disappointed, sure (TRYING to have a baby can be super-stressful, and it forced me to do math, and pay attention to calendars, and ovulation and shit) but, like I said, it was only the second month, so I wasn’t freaking out.

Well, a day or two more passed, and now I was a couple of days late, but still, this wasn’t a big deal for me. I still felt totally yuck, but started to wonder to myself, “hmmm….maybe I am pregnant? Even though I feel completely PMS-ish?” So I asked my trusty friend if it was possible. And the internet told me YES. Since I believe everything the internet tells me, I headed off to Target after work.

Even though I was 33 years old, I felt the need to distract the cashier from my purchase of a pregnancy test with a couple of other items. There is something awkward about buying pregnancy tests, but still, it’s not like I was 14 years old – like my mommy was going to ground me if she found out or something. I guess we just convince ourselves that the cashier will be so mesmerized by our other purchase (ooooh, a Snickers! Or, wooow, socks!) that he or she won’t notice the EPT box. (Because, you know, your local Target employee totally gives a shit whether you’re glowing with motherhood or not. TOTALLY.)

Well, at this point, I was pretty excited. So I went no further than the Target restroom to take the test. Yup, I can tell you the exact stall I was in when I saw the two lines pop up on the pregnancy test. I have deemed it my “good luck stall” and whenever I use the restroom at Target, I go back to where it all began (well, where it all began for Jane anyway.) (Well, not technically – oh, forget it.) (Clarification: Jane was NOT conceived in a Target bathroom stall.)

I remember my hands were totally shaking. I couldn’t believe it. Even though I was actively trying to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I was looking at two lines. So of course I immediately took the second test (see, the box has two tests – or, as they are sometimes called, pee sticks) and sure enough – two lines.
WELL. I did whatever any rational newly-informed mom-to-be would do. I rushed to Walgreens to buy more pregnancy tests (as well as other random items, I’m sure). Seriously, I couldn’t believe it. In the meantime, I called my BF Heather and had this phone conversation:

ME: “Is it possible to be pregnant and have cramps? Is that a bad thing?”
HER: “No, I was totally the same way.”
ME: “Okaaay…..I am going to call you tomorrow.”
HER: “OK, bye”

See, I realized halfway through the conversation that there was someone else I should probably share this news with first. Yes, even before Heather.

So I called Greg up on the phone and asked him where he was. He was at band practice with his friends. So I said I’d see him later, and headed off to Borders to get my very first look at “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I was very excited to FINALLY have a real reason to check this book out (NOTE: Although it was my bible during pregnancy, it also scared the hell out of me regularly.) On the way there, I started to get a weird migraine headache. I’ve only had two of these in my life, and I knew I shouldn’t drive. So I called up Greg again, and his friend drove him over to Borders to get me.

And here is the magical moment Greg found out he was going to be a dad.

Scene: my car

Me: So, I’m pregnant!
Greg: Good for you!

That response still cracks me up.

So that was four years ago today. Who could have projected that four years later to the day, I would be picking up Jimmy’s poop off the ground in the living room at 5:30 in the morning and Jane would be crying hysterically because I wouldn’t let her help?

I know this post is kind of weird but hey - blogging for 30 days straight is hard, yo!


Shane said...

How are babies made?

Elena said...

There is nothing like that first positive pregnancy test. I can't think of much else that can leave you so excited yet scared out of your mind.

helenjane said...

His response is hilarious -- Good for you indeed!

Dwayne "The Train" said...

attention male readers: the following comment features some man-crying business. proceed with caution. (amanda, that is going to be my only attempt to relate this following comment to you blog for two reasons: 1) i couldn't make it past the point where you talk about discovering you were pregnant in a target bathroom…there's just so much wrong with that, and 2) let's be honest, my blog comments are no longer about you.

i don't really know why i am overly sentimental about this upcoming potter movie, but i am, so deal with it. i have already identified three scenes in the movie (which i will be watching in approximately,) during which i might get a little (or a lot)weepy:

(1) in a scene created just for the movie, we get to see hermione cast the spell on her parents to make them forget who they are and that they even have a daughter. she does it to protect them because she knows things are about to get b.a.d.

(2) the chapter is called "the seven potters", and you've probably seen it in the previews, but seven people come to escort harry from his aunt and uncle's house at the end of summer. through much of these books harry has felt very isolated and alone, but suddenly he is surrounded by people who so believe in harry and the hope he represents that they are willing to drink a potion that makes them look like harry, even though they know it means voldermort will try to kill them.

(3) in "the wedding," bill weasley and fleur delacour get married, and, for the most part, it is a fun-filled, lively event. but suddenly, kingsley shacklebolt's patronus arrives and announces that the minister of magic is dead and voldemort has taken control of the ministry. he warns, "they are coming"…"they" being death eaters who are hunting the wedding guests, particularly harry. panic erupts, and with that, the darkness, the death, and the anguish that fills this book begins. i don't know if it's the way harry latches onto hermione as they desperately try to find ron, or if it's just the intensity of it all, but i am getting a chill just typing it.

ps: i take refuge in knowing that i will not be crying alone. me and the thirteen-year-old girls can comfort each other.

pps: a target bathroom, that you now seem to worship…seriously?

ppps: i came from an astroid that crash landed in a cornfield. i am pretty sure i am the lone survivor of my race and i was my world's last hope.

Dwayne "The Train" said...

1 day, 0 hours, 19 minutes and 37 seconds

Debra said...

'Blogger' contacted me & asked me to inform you that your NaBloPoMo contract has been extended. You are now contractually obligated to take part in NaBloPoYea. Failure to post daily until 11-18-11 will result in disappointment for your readers.


lgaumond said...

I love this post!

Thank you for the clarification about the bathroom stall and Jane's...uh, beginnings. You crack me up.

And I agree with Debra up there. Keep 'em coming!

Stephanie said...

Amanda, you crack me up! I'm glad to know I wasn't the only 33 year old embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test (although mine was from Stop & Shop). I should have used your multiple items distraction plan. Instead I tried to self-checkout, only to be foiled by the giant plastic theft-proof box the test was protected by. Had to use a cashier, who also was almost foiled by the theft-proof box. I was convinced he was going to page for a manager. Thankfully he got it open. And just like you, after the first positive, I immediately ripped open the second test just to be sure!

Thank you for putting a much needed smile on my face today!!