Monday, November 08, 2010

I have failed Jane already.

Holy balls, people. I learned something today whilst flipping through a (germ-infested) magazine at the doctor's office today. I have ALREADY FAILED JANE.

You see, I saw an advertisement for the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System. Oh, and before there is any speculation, I was not at the OB/GYN. I was at my regular doctor's office which also doubles as a pediatrician's office. There are no babies in my belly, unless you count food babies, in which case I think I have triplets in there. Also, as a side note, I think I was the only patient above age 5 in the waiting room.

ANYWAY, I encourage you to click on the link. Seriously, do it. When you do, you will see that, stupid-assed failure of a mother I am, I neglected to strap this bitch on my belly beginning at 18 weeks pregnant so Jane could, you know, LEARN STUFF. From what I can discern from the website (beside the fact that I clearly do not care about Jane's education), the device mimics the mother's heartbeat - but, you know, not quite - but sort of - so that the child learns how to differentiate sounds. Or something.

But what about all that classic music I played for Jane in utero? (Except I really didn't. But I DO remember her kicking a lot when I listened to RENT. True story.) Well, apparently all that external noise comes across very muffled to the wee one in your belly, once the sound has to make its way through the miles and miles of organs and fat and amniotic fluid and stuff. The BabyPlus creates CLEAR SOUNDS, so your little genius can learn...uhh...things. Things of great importance!

Frankly, I can't figure out exactly what it is they learn. But according to the website, BabyPlus babies are FAR SUPERIOR to other babies. Here are some of the advantages:
•More readily nurse
•Display an increased ability to self-soothe
•Are more interactive & responsive
•Are more relaxed & alert at birth
And later in life demonstrate:
•Earlier developmental milestones
•Enhanced intellectual abilities
•Longer attention spans
•Improved school readiness
•Greater creativity & independence

Well holy shit. I bet BabyPlus babies also do great at the dentist the first time they go! And don't get up at 4 a.m. when the time changes, like Jane has done for the past two mornings!

But then I started thinking about it. Are babies kind of, well, busy at 18-weeks gestation? Like, growing? So I took a visit to my old friend BabyCenter, where I tracked Jane's development week-by-week (obviously when I should have already been TEACHING HER, ohmygod I suck). And according to this, babies at this age are about the size of a bell pepper, their ears have just made it to their final destination, and their skin is more-or-less see-through. So obviously this kid has a LOT TO DO before 40 weeks hits, and may not appreciate the extra homework of the BabyPlus, thankyouverymuch.

I just hope Jane doesn't hate me for letting her down like this.

1 comment:

Dwayne "The Train" said...

i am pretty sure that i didn't have a prenatal education system (read: some bullshit to steal your money), and i turned out just fine. (i am being uncharacteristically modest here and it feels really insincere, but i am too tired to talk about how smart i am, how i have awards and test scores and gifted-and-talented credentials to prove how smart i am, how a single day doesn't go by without someone commenting on my smartness, how if i weren't so lazy i would probably be a trillionaire from some smart invention i smartly invented, or how i won a pretty baby contest.)

i know this is recycled material, but i think i need to share it with the larger world: if you really want jane to be extraordinary, you should start forcing her to watch telemundo. she not only will be a more empathetic human being, but also will be able to say important phrases in spanish, like:

¡vete al diablo!//go to the devil!

tienes que luchar por tu amor!///you're going to have to fight for your love!

¡no sabes de que estoy capaz!//you don't know what i'm capable of!

and probably the most useful...
a tu hermana eva se la comieran los crocodrilos.///the crocodiles ate your sister eva.

(these sayings may or may not have been borrowed from this website: / telenovela-learning.)

seeing as how my parents did not force me to watch telemundo, i cannot vouch for the accuracy of any of these sayings. please don't let jane suffer the same shame as me.