Holy balls, people. I learned something today whilst flipping through a (germ-infested) magazine at the doctor's office today. I have ALREADY FAILED JANE.
You see, I saw an advertisement for the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System. Oh, and before there is any speculation, I was not at the OB/GYN. I was at my regular doctor's office which also doubles as a pediatrician's office. There are no babies in my belly, unless you count food babies, in which case I think I have triplets in there. Also, as a side note, I think I was the only patient above age 5 in the waiting room.
ANYWAY, I encourage you to click on the link. Seriously, do it. When you do, you will see that, stupid-assed failure of a mother I am, I neglected to strap this bitch on my belly beginning at 18 weeks pregnant so Jane could, you know, LEARN STUFF. From what I can discern from the website (beside the fact that I clearly do not care about Jane's education), the device mimics the mother's heartbeat - but, you know, not quite - but sort of - so that the child learns how to differentiate sounds. Or something.
But what about all that classic music I played for Jane in utero? (Except I really didn't. But I DO remember her kicking a lot when I listened to RENT. True story.) Well, apparently all that external noise comes across very muffled to the wee one in your belly, once the sound has to make its way through the miles and miles of organs and fat and amniotic fluid and stuff. The BabyPlus creates CLEAR SOUNDS, so your little genius can learn...uhh...things. Things of great importance!
Frankly, I can't figure out exactly what it is they learn. But according to the website, BabyPlus babies are FAR SUPERIOR to other babies. Here are some of the advantages:
•More readily nurse
•Display an increased ability to self-soothe
•Are more interactive & responsive
•Are more relaxed & alert at birth
And later in life demonstrate:
•Earlier developmental milestones
•Enhanced intellectual abilities
•Longer attention spans
•Improved school readiness
•Greater creativity & independence
Well holy shit. I bet BabyPlus babies also do great at the dentist the first time they go! And don't get up at 4 a.m. when the time changes, like Jane has done for the past two mornings!
But then I started thinking about it. Are babies kind of, well, busy at 18-weeks gestation? Like, growing? So I took a visit to my old friend BabyCenter, where I tracked Jane's development week-by-week (obviously when I should have already been TEACHING HER, ohmygod I suck). And according to this, babies at this age are about the size of a bell pepper, their ears have just made it to their final destination, and their skin is more-or-less see-through. So obviously this kid has a LOT TO DO before 40 weeks hits, and may not appreciate the extra homework of the BabyPlus, thankyouverymuch.
I just hope Jane doesn't hate me for letting her down like this.