Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Friday, October 26, 2007

I will survive


Just got home a little while ago from my first day-and-a-half at work. No, I didn't stomp out halfway through today in a emotional hissy fit - I am working half days on Fridays for the rest of this calendar year, in an attempt to use up some time off I have saved. That, plus working from home on Tuesdays, will help make this transition easier.

Yesterday was truly one of the worst days of my life. I have not been such an emotional basketcase in years - I felt like my guts were being ripped out when I had to leave Jane at daycare. I'm not even trying to be melodramatic here - it was physically painful. Work was a good distraction - it was great to see everyone again, and catch up on the gossip, and whatnot. But all I wanted to do was be with my baby. I made it until 4 p.m., and then I bolted off to pick her up. I know it will get easier, and I maintain that my workplace is about the best place to return to, if you have to go back to work full-time. The flexibility and understanding is unmatched.

Her "InfantGram" - the daily sheet that lets me know how her mood was, what she ate, her diaper situation, etc - told me that she had a great day yesterday, and her teacher said the same. Jane was nothing but pleasant for them. Sure, the witching hour(s) kicked off as soon as we got home, which is typical from about 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. in our house. But I was glad that she had such a good day. I just wished I was with her.

This afternoon when I went to pick her up, she was crying in her assigned crib. I had to reassure myself that Jane cries plenty when she's at home, that it's not an indication of abuse or neglect or anything. Still, I was happy to rescue her and bring her home, and now I get to spend the next two whole days with her. I have always appreciated my time with her, but now that it's more limited, I appreciate it even more.

I also appreciated the fact that she saved her major ass-plosion that she's been working on by not pooping for the past two days for daycare. They had to change her whole outfit! Yeesh.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

three monthiversary, pt. 2

OK, OK, I've been told that picture was dark, and it is. Here's a brighter one, from this morning (aka "three monthiversary plus one day").

three monthiversary

Somehow I've gotten into the tradition of taking her monthly photos in a white onesie. I'm not sure I like it, but I suppose I'll stick to it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


It's a big day in our household today.

Today is our three year wedding anniversary. I got up at 4 a.m. that day to begin the extensive preparations it took to get me to look like a girlie girl. This morning I was up at 4 a.m., desperately trying to get a very awake baby asleep so I could get another hour or two of sleep myself.

Today is Jimmy's second birthday. Lord, is that dog a pain in the ass, but such a hilarious, awesome addition to our family. I don't think I've ever seen a dog with such a personality. Happy Birthday, young James!

Today is Jane's three monthiversary. It feels like it's been forever, and like it's been a minute. And I'm not going to lie and say every moment has been wonderful - but most of them have been, and all of them have been life-altering.

As for Junior, well, every day is special for Junior!

Monday, October 22, 2007


There are mornings like this morning, when Jane wakes up and she seems like a completely different baby than she was when she went to sleep last night. More grown up, more alert, more like a real little person. She's doing all sorts of new things lately - everything from sucking her whole hand non-stop (not sure if this is a predecessor to her being a thumb sucker or what) to grasping her hands together to lifting her head up when she's on her tummy. She has been taking naps - albeit short naps - on her back during the day, with no elevation or anything. She's well on her way out of the carseat sleeping situation. She's losing her hair (!), and it will be a surprise to see how it comes in when it grows back. Will it be dark, like it was when she was born, or will it be, as I suspect, more red, like the color of her eyebrows? She laughs, she makes all kinds of noises that will someday be words...she's just constantly evolving, right before my very eyes.

Daycare starts this week. I am heading there after her nap this morning to drop off all of her stuff and to go over their procedures. I have bought new clothes for myself that actually fit right. I have filled out a million forms. We are as ready as we can be, at least with all of the stuff. But inside, I feel like my heart is breaking.

I have all sorts of questions. Will she know that I'm her mom when I pick her up at the end of the day? Will she take her first steps and say her first words at daycare? What will I miss? Will she change during the day, so when I pick her up eight hours later, she's not the same? Is this OK? Will she be OK? Will I be OK?

I have felt incredibly melodramatic over the past few weeks. I give major props to Greg for dealing with my tears and insecurities and questions. He has been amazingly great about everything. I am going back to a job that couldn't be more flexible and family-friendly. I am very, very lucky.

I just want this week to be over, so the transition will be done.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

as it turns out, I can't have my cake and eat it too

So today I'm back in the shorts I was wearing last summer. They could fit a little better, but everything else is in the wash (I am doing three times as much laundry these days - some of it is Jane's, and a lot of it is the result of The Summer of Being Vomited Upon). A quick update on my weight loss - I am at my "return to work" goal weight, with three pounds to go until I reach my original, pre-pregnancy weight of a year ago. I could actually lose a couple additional pounds from that too, but hey, let's not get greedy. The holidays are coming up. I love me some holiday cookies.

The weight loss has not been without much struggle and hunger pangs. Although people like Angelina Jolie will say the reason she's 98 lbs is because she's breastfeeding, this is not really true. Or maybe she's just luckier than me. Because not only am I breastfeeding, I'm also starving and exercising. And cranky. But this is what it takes for a non-movie star to lose weight, especially one who is hitting her mid-30s with a crappy metabolism. The good news is, lugging an increasingly heavy baby around does wonders for one's upper body strength. This weekend, I'm taking all of my gift certificates and buying some new clothes. Because although I've lost most of the weight, my body is most definitely not the same. The hips - they're bigger. The gut - it's bigger, with leftover Jane that I've been told won't go away for six months, no matter what I do. But it's worth it. It's all worth it.

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately. It's been a whirlwind of getting us ready for next week. I'm also pretty bummed out, and don't feel like dragging the internets (sorry Lisa) down with me.

Monday, October 15, 2007

my favorite picture so far

I mean, come on. If that doesn't put a smile on your face, I give up.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

9 to (almost) 5

Well, despite the fact that I have been up since 4:45 a.m., this is a spectacular day. Why, you ask? Well, because Jane decided to sleep from about 8:45 p.m. to 4:45 a.m. last night! For those of you keeping track, that's EIGHT HOURS IN A ROW! Like a real person and everything! I, of course, did not sleep that whole time. I went to bed around 10, heard her stirring around 3, but didn't get up until she woke up, so I got almost seven hours myself. Almost in a row, and everything! This is a big step from the first night I had her, when I slept a half an hour. Seriously.

PS Thanks for your comments in the last post. They meant a lot, really.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

my 300th post, y'all

Oh my, I just noticed that this is my 300th post! 300 posts of my random, often boring, thoughts. Thanks to those of you who read. You know, if you're out there. Hello? Anyone? Bueller?

Unfortunately, this is not a celebratory post. It is, once again, a bit of a venting session on how stressed I am. I go back to work two weeks from tomorrow. I'm not going to get into how I feel about this emotionally; mostly, I just don't want to think about it, although I think about it all the time, because it's hard, way harder than I ever imagined, and if I start blogging about it it's just going to get depressing around here, so let's just avoid that for now. Instead, let me vent about the logistics of getting Jane and I ready to go back out into the real world.

The biggest and most pressing issue is the fact that Jane still sleeps in her carseat because of her reflux. It's not that she's incapable of falling asleep on her back - she can, it's just that inevitably, when she wakes up, she's gagging and choking because she has spit up. We have her on a prescription for reflux, but, to be frank, it ain't doin' s*** for the problem. Sometimes I think it is, and then I have a day like yesterday, when I triumphantly got her to sleep for a half hour on her back, only to have her get up, start the spit up routine, and basically be miserable for the rest of the day. The daycare needs a note from her doctor saying she has to sleep in her carseat, and I'm not sure if the doctor is actually going to give that note - it's not like he said she should sleep in the carseat, it's just what works for us. And then there's the part where, hey, she's a baby, and she's SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING IN A CRIB. ON HER BACK. But no. I have heard of many other babies who have had this issue, but I just want it resolved, because the whole thing makes me sad and supremely stressed. I'm going to keep trying until Monday, and then, if no miracle has happened, I'll call the doctor for the note. We'll see what happens.

I also have a huge list of gear that Jane needs to bring into daycare. Since it will basically be her home away from home, she needs nearly the same amount of stuff. I have to take a trip to Babies R Us very very soon to spend very very much money getting her suited up for her first day. In addition, I need to fill out about a gazillion forms for her as well, including one that details her "schedule" - HA! Schedule! This girl is a master of deception and trickery -once you think she's got some kind of schedule going, she upends it like nobody's business. On the Monday before I go back to work, I'm going to go into the daycare with all of her stuff, so I can also go over all of their procedures and rules. Fun times.

Everyone tries to make me feel better about these things - obviously babies don't have real schedules anyway, and of course other babies spit up a lot and have reflux and weird sleeping habits - I just don't want her going in being the strange baby that no one wants to take care of because she's got issues. Look - I've already started to make myself cry. OK - new topic!

Let's talk about getting ME ready for back-to-work. Aside from me feeling like I don't remember how to do my job (although I'm sure it will come back to me - it's like riding a bike!), I also have to go shopping for new clothes. To cheer myself up, I've decided to look at this like it's the first day of school, when you get to wear shiny new clothes. Well, probably not shiny clothes - not my style. But as you know, I've been working hard at eliminating those pesky 10 pounds (I call those pounds "leftover Jane"), and have managed to lose 5 of them. It's been hard work! It is way harder to lose 5 pounds at age 34 than it was 10 years ago, I'll tell ya that. I'm giving myself until next week to get rid of the 2 pounds I'd like to get rid of before going back to work. Then I'll bring my gift certificates to the mall and buy myself some pants that fit. Even my friend Cheryl, who is extremely athletic and fit, and who also had a baby in July but was back to her original weight in, like, five seconds, said that her body has changed too, that clothes don't fit the same. I read a quote from a doctor that said after pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, it's like your body has gone through a major trauma, and that you should look at the changes in your body as badges of honor. It's the stupid celebrities, with their personal chefs and trainers and surgeries, that make us all feel like we should look exactly the same as we ever did, if not better, and fast.

OK, I think I'm done for now. Happy 300th post! Aren't you glad you read this cheery blog?

Saturday, October 06, 2007

then vs. now

My morning thus far, by Amanda, at age 24:

11:00 a.m.: Wake up. Possibly hung over.

My morning thus far, by Amanda, at age 34:

5:15 a.m.: Wake up to Jane's crying, feed Jane
5:45-6:15 a.m.: Walk Jane around so she'll fall asleep
6:15-8:15 a.m.: Take a shower, get ready, feed dogs, clean up, play on interwebs
8:15-8:45 a.m.: Feed Jane, plop her in swing
8:45-9:15 a.m.: Try to stress to DirecTV person on the phone how incredibly stressed I am about the fact that my TiVo seems to be busted, that it only records partial shows, that I'vebeenwaitingallsummerwatchingcrappytvduringmymaternityleave
happeningbecause Idon'tevenknowwhogotkickedoffon
TheBacheloronMondaynightnow. But politely. Apparently DirecTV doesn't do TiVo anymore, they do DVR, so now I don't know what our next step is but we'll have to take it quickly.
9:15-10:45 a.m.: Go to West Hartford Center, walk around, see a co-worker, get my wedding and engagement rings polished, have a doughnut, go to the Farmer's Market, buy some raspberries
11:00 a.m.: Arrive home and wait for Jane to wake up so I can feed her again. Then we're off to the bookstore.

What a difference a decade makes.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

I had cake for lunch today!

Lisa came by today to visit Miss Jane for the first time this afternoon, and she came bearing a delicious cake that she has been promising to make once I got rid of the ol' gestational diabetes. It was soooo freakin' delicious - it's basically like a giant Devil Dog, except lighter and even more tasty. She left a hefty chunk of it for me, and I hid it on top of the fridge from Greg, but he found it! Luckily there is still some left. She also made me one her very cute mini totes (she claims I was hinting for one - and I was, but I would have paid!!) and a sweet necklace with a pic of Jane on it. This girl is probably the most multi-talented chick I know, and she excels at everything! Check out her blog to see cute pics from today's visit, and to see what else she's been up to.

this girl rocks the house

So being home a lot this summer, I have watched a lot of television that I normally wouldn't. I got hooked on a couple shows on TLC, and I kept seeing commercials for a documentary called Crazy Sex Cancer. I haven't seen it yet (they are re-airing it in October) but it was done by a woman named Kris Carr, who is my age, who was diagnosed with rare and inoperable cancer in 2003. Since then, she has reinvented what it means to live with cancer - and is the incredibly positive, awesome, kick-ass kind of person we should all hope to be. Check out her Crazy Sexy Cancer blog - hey, if I think it's awesome - and you know how much I avoid medical things -you will too. It's far less about anything medical, and more just having a life-positive frame of mind, which we could all use more of, or at least I could sometimes.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


OK, two things in the world of OMG:

1) Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Do you know how much of a hot mess a mother must be to lose custody of her kids? To K-Fed, of all people? I feel sorry for her.

2) I thought my TiVo was broken. When I go to bed, I set up my TV so it's paused on some show that I've TiVo'ed, so when I get up to feed Jane in the middle of the night, there is already some light in the living room (from the TV) and I have something ready to go to watch at whatever time her royal highness deigns to eat. This morning, at about 4:30, I thought all was lost. I pressed "play," which should have brought the old "Sex and the City" episode I had freeze-framed on the screen to life - except it didn't. I was frantically pressing buttons but nothing was working. This morning (HA! This morning! As if I haven't been up since 4:30! Because I have, but that's another story of how Jane decided that after she ate would be a great time to party, not go to sleep.) Greg suggested unplugging it and plugging it back in (duh) and it works. Phew! Because that would have be the absolute worst thing in the world! I'm kidding, I'm kidding - but it would have been bad.