so I got up on time.

And now for the exciting conclusion to my previous post - yes, I got up on time. I woke up at about 2:30 a.m. in a complete panic that I missed my alarm, and then proceeded to wake up every 10 minutes after that until 3:45 a.m. when I threw in the towel and got up five minutes early. I hit the wall at 1:30 p.m. and left work. I went to the library and then read a whole bunch of a book I'm reading for one of my book clubs, A Confederacy of Dunces. Have you read this? It's hysterical. And slightly insane. More than slightly. Anywho.

Tomorrow my department (such that it is) is going on a retreat that will take me far and away from my desk. Which is magnificent and lovely and all good things.

Hope you're having a good week.

early.

Tomorrow morning I have to be at work at 4:30 a.m. This usually happens once a year for a special event thingy we do every summer. FOUR THIRTY AYEM. This is 8 hours and 50 minutes from now. I just set my alarm for 3:50 a.m. (See, I am going to shower tonight and wear a hat tomorrow, cutting down my getting-ready time drastically.) (Of course my getting-ready time has already been drastically cut down after having Jane.) (Seriously - I guess I should just feel lucky that I shower every morning. Make that, my co-workers should feel lucky.) Anywho, I quadruple-checked my alarm clock and will do so again numerous times before I go to bed.

And speaking of going to bed. Despite the fact that I have fallen asleep before 9:30 for the past two nights, I can guarantee that I won't be able to fall asleep until at least 11 tonight. And then I will wake up. Repeatedly. Why? BECAUSE I WILL BE WORRIED ABOUT WAKING UP.

So by noon tomorrow, I should be a zombie-fied drooling disaster. I suppose it good this only happens once a year, huh? And the funniest thing is, I'm only really getting up an hour and ten minutes early. It's not that big of a deal. But think of me when you get up and go to work or start your day at a reasonable hour. Because I will probably think it's already lunchtime.

project: small joys

So, when you're working full time and you have a two-year-old, the drudgery of life sometimes seems like it has no end. When said two-year-old is treating bathtime like you are dipping her in boiling acid, it's easy to see why, by the end of the day, I'm feeling bruised and battered. It's go, go, go from 5 a.m. until bedtime - wiping butts, wiping noses, wiping up messes, cleaning the dog's ever-infected ears, cleaning up toys, doing laundry, yardwork, blah blah blah until you find yourself asking your spouse, "Where's the joy?"

Which is not to say there is no joy in my life. Quite the opposite. I just don't think I take the time to appreciate it, because I'm too preoccupied with what the next chore on the list is. It's not good. Sure, this is probably the most complicated and responsibility-laden portion of my life so far, but there's lots of positive stuff to appreciate. So I've decided to stop and smell the proverbial roses - to start this occasional series called "project: small joys." This isn't about the major, obvious joys - this is about the little things that make your day brighter. That you look forward to. That put a smile on your face.

And with that, my first small joy is Starbucks' Caramel Frappuccino Light. I have found an excuse to have one of these every day this week. I'm a wee bit obsessed. I also found myself getting pissed when the girl forgot to drizzle the caramel on the one I had on Wednesday - or was it Tuesday? Oh, it's so delicious and happy-making. Frappuccinos are one of the things that define summer for me - and summer is definitely here, what with the 90+ degree weather we've had for the past week.

Silly, I know. But it's a small joy. What's yours?

weekend. update.

Sorry that’s it’s been so quiet here this past week – I really don’t have much to talk about. Greg is basically recovered from his virus, but I’ve been feeling kinda crappy for most of the week. It’s been overall really quiet and – dare I say – boring around here. Which I know can be a good thing.

This weekend promises to be busy. Greg and I are actually going out alone tonight – to have dinner with real, adult-sized people – and leaving Jane with my niece, who is almost 14. I’m excited to have finally taken advantage of her as an official babysitter, versus begging my sisters, mother and mother-in-law to babysit. This just feels better, because we’re paying her, and I don’t feel guilty about asking, like I do with the others. Plus, it will be nice to go out and not have to hold my breath the entire time that Jane won’t lose her shit.

Tomorrow we are going out on the boat with some of my friends, and then tomorrow night I’m going to dinner and a show with Todd and Alan. Yes, you read that right – I’m going out TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW. And by “going out,” I don’t mean rehearsal! It’s amazing.

Sunday another friend of mine is coming over in the morning with her son, and then we are going to a birthday party in the afternoon. Like I said – it’s busy. I wish I felt better, and not so run down, but other than that, I’m psyched it’s Friday, particularly because there is no rain in the forecast for the weekend, which, if you live in the Northeast, you know is an early Christmas miracle.

What are you up to?

vacation day FAIL.

So today. My plan was to take today off as a vacation day and go to the beach. The forecast was gorgeous, and today was the last day of the calm before the storm at work.

What I didn't expect was for my self-proclaimed holiday to kick off at 1:30 a.m. with a trip to the emergency room. See, Greg has had a weird virus thingy all week - he's been in a ton of pain (muscles) and had a fever for a few days at the beginning of the week. He went to the doctor who diagnosed it as an upper respiratory infection and gave him an antibiotic. Even at the time, it seemed odd - Greg had no signs of any respiratory anything. On Wednesday he was still in a lot of pain, so he called his doctor again, who prescribed industrial strength Motrin, which did seem to help. But last night, he woke up in the middle of the night unable to move anything, and felt very lightheaded. So I woke Jane up, put her in the car, and off we went to the ER.

(a side note: check out this total mom thing I did. When I got Jane up, I made sure to change her shirt, put shoes on her and COMB HER HAIR. There was a large part of my brain that seriously was wondering whether Greg was having a heart attack or something, and in the meantime, I'm PRIMPING MY KID.)

I was completely freaked out. It's very unlike Greg to take middle-of-the-night trips to the hospital. I also had no idea what to do with Jane. Bring her in and pray she falls asleep in the stroller? But I didn't want to expose her to all of the germs. Plus I knew she'd never fall asleep. So I dropped Greg off and went home (we live very close to this hospital) to wait.

I can't tell you how much it sucked. I was so worried and I hated not being there. I was calling him every half hour to see what was going on, and I was so frustrated that they didn't even talk to him until 4 a.m. I wanted to be there to throw dirty looks at people, at least. When they finally saw him, they decided he was probably dehydrated (something I suspected earlier in the week), put him on fluids, did a chest x-ray and blood tests, and proceeded to ignore him for the next four hours.

I stayed awake the entire time, got Jane ready for daycare when she woke up, dropped her off and went off to the hospital. A doctor FINALLY came by to basically say "too bad, so sad, there's nothing we can do for you, go home and drink fluids and rest" - and in the meantime, Greg could barely stumble out of the hospital without falling down. So we came home, I forced him to drink a lot (of water, not alcohol, which would have made the situation a lot more entertaining than it actually was), and walk around to loosen up his muscles. He definitely got better throughout the day, but now he's back in bed. I'm hoping he doesn't have another night like last night. I can't have another night like last night. It was scary.

But wait! There's more! When I got Greg settled at home this morning, I let the dogs out. We have some guys clearing the lot in our backyard, and unbeknownst to us, the invisible fence line in our backyard was...clipped? broken? I'm not sure what the right word is, but it WASN'T WORKING.

I was heading out to do some chores when I realized young Jimmy hadn't come back in. I called him from the front. No Jimmy. I walked around the back and asked the guys working if they'd seen him. Sure enough, he had headed way out past the range of the invisible fence, about 15 minutes prior.

Well. I turned into a lunatic. I was screaming his name, shaking a box of treats, all the while having absolutely no idea if I was even close to heading in the right direction. The guys working in our yard were calling for him, the Connecticut Light and Power guys that were working in the area were looking for him...and THANK GOD I found his sorry ass down the road, frolicking (yes, frolicking) with another dog and two of my super-elderly neighbors. As soon as I saw him, I totally started crying. I mean, a girl can handle only so much drama on a couple of hours of sleep.

So there you have it. My fabulous, over-the-top, high drama vacation day FAIL.

this picture kills me

I have looked at this AP photo a number of times today, and it has made me tear up every single time. I simply cannot imagine how beyond ecstatic Euna Lee was to be reunited with her family and that little girl of hers.

control alt delete.

I've got a problem.

The first thing I do in the morning - even before I go out walking at 5:15 a.m. - is check my email. When I come home from work, the first thing I do is turn on my computer and screw around on the internet while I'm getting Jane's dinner and feeding the dogs and checking the mail and cleaning sippy cups and all of the other glamorous chores that comprise my evenings. This is after spending the bulk of the work day in front of the computer. At night I often half-watch TV with my laptop powered up. It's a problem. It's not cool. And I think it's an issue more and more of us have, as we travel around all day with CrackBerries and iPhones and whatever - in virtual contact with thousands of people, at the expense of actually making fully-committed connections with the people in front of us. I'm afraid Jane thinks my hands are glued to the keyboard.

I think it gives all of us a certain degree of attention deficit disorder. We are so overloaded all the time - ALL THE TIME - with messages and information and texts and blah blah blahhhh that just simply sitting there, having a conversation with someone, or watching TV without any distractions, feels like you're not using your time to its maximum potential - because, you know, checking FACEBOOK is so incredibly important. The most amazing thing is how relaxing it feels to just focus on one single activity, instead of juggling three things at the same time, with your eyeballs glued to an ever-present screen.

So I made a promise to myself to quit the computer crap before work and after work, only logging on after Jane goes to bed. I'm really going to try to just watch TV and not half-watch, half-surf. That's not relaxing, and I think on some level, it stresses me out. We don't let our brains calm down. It's making all of us crazy. At least, it's making me crazy.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

me. only better.

Wait...is this even possible?

Anyway, thanks for all of the suggestions on my previous post! Um. I guess I should just assume that everyone pretty much knows everything they would ever want to know about me. Maybe it's time to close up shop? Probably. For today, I will continue with my self-obsessed, narcissistic ways and talk EVEN MORE about myself. Me, me, me. With extra me!

Ten years ago this month, I began what was the biggest weight-loss process of my life. I've written about it before, but once a fat girl, always a fat girl (at least in the head - I am not saying I have a fat head). Ten years ago I was 25 years old and approximately 60 pounds heaver than I currently am. Through diet and exercise, I managed to lose 60 pounds. Then I gained back 10. Then I lost 20! I was at my super-skinniest when I got married, because the bridal stress was literally eating me alive. I got myself to a more reasonable weight (for me) (gained about 5 lbs) and maintained until I got pregnant, when I gained 30 lbs (totally reasonable weight gain for pregnancy). I lost 27 of those pounds, but having that baby shifted my whole body structure around so certain things are bigger and certain things are smaller than pre-pregnancy - even though I'm basically the same weight.

Whew! Anyway, the point is, here I am. Just about ten years later. Considering the only real time I gained was pregnancy, I think it's safe to say I maintained my weight loss fairly well. Also considering the fact that the vast majority of people who lose a lot of weight gain it all back or most of it back within five years, I'm pretty proud.

However.

I could stand to be healthier, overall. I've been feeling yuck on and off, as you know, and have been attributing it to things like stress and the way I eat and why don't I just go to a doctor I KNOW I KNOW. I decided this month I was going to really try to change how I eat. See, even though I am essentially eating and exercising the same way I did way back when I was 25, I'm not losing weight. And although I'm really not in the market to lose 60 pounds, I find it strange that by doing nearly the exact same thing, I'm getting nowhere near the same results. Goodbye, metabolism. I'll miss you.

So in celebration of this 10 year victory of mine, I'm declaring August my personal "get healthier" month. I will try to avoid the chocolate. And the vending machine at work. And Dunkin Donuts (that will be a tough one). Wish me luck!

ants in the pants

I'm feeling antsy about the blog. Now that Jane is two, I am a bit more hesitant to write about her, and especially to post pictures of her - now that she's less baby and more (godhelpme) kid. I took her for her 2-year checkup today - and she's weighing in at a sturdy 27 lbs, 4 oz, and standing at a tall 34 inches. If it's true that at two years old you are half your adult height, that means she will be 5'8". I have no idea if that's true, but if it is, she will be significantly taller than me. And then how am I supposed to carry her around on my hip?

So if I wean myself off of blogging about Jane - what the hell else am I supposed to talk about? Anything anyone want to know?

July has kicked my ass

This month is out of control. I realized today that my past four weekends have been intensely busy. To wit:

First weekend - Fourth of July party hosted at our house
Second weekend - Hell week begins for my show
Third weekend - My show, plus volunteered for Petit Family Foundation 5K race (at 6:30 a.m. mind you, after going to bed at 2 post-cast party), with a kid's birthday party thrown in there for good measure
Fourth weekend - Jane's birthday party extravaganza at our house

I'm utterly exhausted. Who does this to themselves? So forgive me if my vacation recap is bulletpointy.

Monday - Went to the beach with my friend Heather. I was drooling and pretty much comatose the whole time. It was fabulous.
Tuesday - It rained like a bitch, and Jane and I were similarly bitchy. Not a great day.
Wednesday - Went down to the boat. Good weather, went swimming in the pool, had fun.
Thursday - Jane's birthday. We went to Newport for the day, had a pretty awesome time.
Friday - Party prep.
Saturday - Party. Holy shitballs, people. I had 42 people in my house, and over a third of them were very small. It took me over two hours to clean the carnage up after.
Sunday - Went to an Italian Festival with my mom and Jane. Ate fried dough. Yum.

I am pretty bummed that my last staycation of the summer is over. I don't have anymore significant time off until Christmas, and that makes me sad. But it will be nice to just go to work and then get to go home, instead of having to rush off to rehearsals. As much as I found the show to be a worthwhile experience, I DO NOT miss the (self-imposed) schedule.

The End.

two.

If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you.

If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?

If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?

You might be a fish! Or a toad in a tree!

You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!

You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.

Or worse than all that...Why, you might be a WASN'T!

A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.

A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.

But you...You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

~Dr. Seuss

ok, ok, one more video, that's it, I promise

remember me?

Dudes. I am STILL TIRED from the past week. The show went really well; hell week was utterly exhausting, emotionally and physically. I am literally achy from still being tired. Luckily I have this week off. I went to the beach today and sent Jane along to daycare; she and I will be staycationing it for the rest of the week. But I leave you with this scene from the show, so you can see what it is I have been doing. More news later.

HELL WEEK!

Ah, you know it's gonna be a good week when it already has a name like "Hell Week."

For those of you who don't do theater, "hell week" is the final week of rehearsals - we rehearse every night, for 5+ hours, work in all technical aspects of the show previously unrehearsed, work in the musicians, and generally have a slew of nervous breakdowns until were are trembling shadows of our former selves by show night. Whee! Show biz!

To give you an idea of how we are feeling as we go into today's 10+ hour rehearsal, my music director and I have dubbed this week - "Hell Week - With 25% more Hell!"

Yay.

Directing a show with a 28-person adult cast and 15-person children's chorus has been - something else. Gratifying, nervewracking, scary, exciting, fulfilling, combative - just a handful of adjectives out of many more I could think up - if my brain wasn't mush.

On top of it all, I'm fairly sure I have bronchitis, or something close to it. Also, my mom-guilt will explode this week since the only time I will see Jane is in the mornings, before I head off to work.

Why do I do this? This is a question that is asked of me often, and that I ask myself every day. I'll answer it on the flip side.

Have a great week! And if you in the CT area, you better be at the show!

cuteness, defined.

I am in chaotic chaos-ridden chaos-ity with my show right now. So instead of actually blogging like a real blogger would, I would like to share these two FRAKKIN CUTE pics of Jane. I didn't even take them; my friend Todd did at our Fourth of July extravaganza. See how patriotic Jane is, in her Nova Scotia t-shirt, given to her by Todd and her Canadianfather, Alan. (Alan is Jane's Canadianfather because she is 1/something French Canadian, and Alan is Canadian by way of his motherland, Nova Scotia. So he is in charge of teaching her all the wonderful things about Canada. In fact, the guests at our party played an impromptu game of "Better Know a Canadian" starring Alan, where they berated him with questions like "are you ever going to become an American citizen" and "when you came to American and had ham for the first time, were you surprised?")

So, um, anyway, here are some pics. I promise to be less scatterbrained in a couple of weeks. (don't hold your breath.) (as if you were.)

birthday. missed.

Today is my father’s birthday. He died nine and a half years ago, and I cannot believe how much my life has transformed in those years. He knew me as a mid-20-something who had finally established herself as a journalist and got her ass out of the house only a couple of years before. He knew me as someone who was struggling with my weight, and who had just finally started to shed a significant number of pounds through diet and exercise. He knew me as someone who had just started up a relationship after several years of single life. He knew me in my carefree, young days. I have not achieved that carefree mindset since the day he died. I may have technically been an adult already, but I really grew up that day.



He will never know me as someone who left journalism because I didn’t want to miss out on my life. He will never know that he inspired that. He will never know me as a fiancé, a wife, a dog owner, and most painfully, a mother. He will never meet Jane, and see how she has inherited the [maiden name] unibrow. I search for the [maiden name] in Jane; because she looks so much like Greg, it’s hard to see it. But I think her dramatic personality show signs of her Italian side.
It has been so long that days like these are nowhere near as painful as they used to be. But as my life grows and expands, it still cuts deep that he will never know me, as I am now.


Happy Birthday, Dad.

holiday, celebrate

Today is Red, White and Blue Day at daycare

So things are a bit intense 'round these parts. Let me bulletpoint what the next several weeks look like:

*We are hosting a Fourth of July party on Saturday that requires us to remove the remnants of last weekend's ALMOST-PRACTICALLY-SOCLOSE TORNADO EVENT OF THE CENTURY, clean the house, buy stuff to eat, try to not to kill each other and celebrate all of the joyousness of the U.S. of A. I am looking forward to the party - the prep, not so much. Oh, also? We are all sick.

*I am two weeks away from my show, which means in the next week, we have to block any scenes we have missed so far (hint: there are a bunch) and then make the show so its running time is not six-and-a-half days long. Next weekend begins the much-anticipated and always Xanax-necessary Hell Week, when we move the show to the acutal auditorium where we will be performing and everything goes to shit. We will rehearse for many long hours every night the week of the 12th, and then that weekend is the show. And then I collapse and die in a blaze of glory.

*If I don't collapse and die, then Jane's birthday is looming, and preparations must begin for her SECOND BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT EXTRAVAGANZA the weekend of the 25th. Everyone keeps asking me what the theme of her birthday is. I don't know, how about, um, "Jane is Two"? Does that work?

Have a great holiday and don't blow your hands off with any fireworks! Rumor has it Noah and his ark might be able to dock this weekend because the weather is supposed to be OK - ha! - I'll believe it when I see it.

we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto

So, the other day, let's call it "Friday," I was gearing up for the weekend. I had just gotten my hair cut, and I stopped at home to pick up some things before I went down to the boat to stay overnight. Greg, Jane and the dogs were already down there. I got home at about 4:15 p.m., and probably would have left at around 4:25 - except it started raining. Really, really hard. So I figured I'd just wait it out (didn't want to ruin my fresh, new 'do, ya know).

And then the rain kept coming. And then it turned to golf ball-sized hail. And then the wind whipped to what reports say was about 80 mph. The power went out. A tree went down in my front yard. And the wind was shaking the windows in my house, and the hail was pelting against the windows, and I, for the first time ever in a storm, was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do.

So, naturally, I grabbed my camera and opened the front door, so I could get some pics. And then I heard it. That weird, train-like noise that I recognized from the movie Twister. So I shut the door, and instead of going to the basement - LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO - I stood there. In front of my kitchen window. Too scared to move.

After about 20 minutes - a very, very long 20 minutes - the storm subsided to just rain. So I went outside, and holy crap, the carnage. Trees - big ass trees - down everywhere. Looked like they were plucked from the ground like weeds. I was trapped, because there were six trees across my road alone - four on one side and two on the other - never mind all the trees and bushes down in people's yards. My neighbor's shutters look like lace - the hail must've pounded the little holes in them. Someone's roof was partially knocked down. The fire department cruised by, saying in their megaphone, "Is everyone OK?" I walked around, taking pictures of everything, talking to neighbors I've never talked to in my life. It was surreal.

Part of my road was cleared out by Saturday morning, so I was able to make it down to the boat, and it's a good thing, because the power didn't come back on until Sunday morning. We were lucky to have somewhere else to stay.

It wasn't a tornado, although a nearby town did experience an actual tornado. But I think it was about as close as it could come. We're still picking up the mess. The landscape of my whole neighborhood looks different.

Eight Minus Jon & Kate

I am interrupting my regularly-scheduled vacation recap (and, seriously, who is lamer than I for not uploading the pics and posting them? I mean, it's not like I was traveling anywhere. But that vacation left me 100% exhausted. And now I'm a bit more than three weeks from my show, so that has become my all-consuming obsession.) (But I promise I will post pics from this weekend. At some point.)

Anyway, I just want to quickly touch on this Jon and Kate Gosselin crap. Look, I used to watch the show all the time. When I first had Jane, I got hooked on all sorts of baby-style shows, the majority being on channels like TLC and Discovery Health. After a while they become boring to me again, but I still recorded J&K, and sometimes just watched it as background noise.

Of course, I have become completely obsessed with the dramatic, in-your-face unraveling of their marriage. It's like a train wreck. I feel so badly for staring, but I just can't help myself. My friends and I all say the same thing - WHY DON'T THEY QUIT THE SHOW TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE?

I think they found themselves in a trap. When they first had that gaggle of kids, they had no money and relied heavily on donations. They finally saw the money coming in, and slowly but surely became reality TV stars, and lived liked celebrities - huge house, free trips, free surgeries - everything. So, if they quit the show to save themselves, they would be back to having no money - no financial insurance for all of those college educations. But as things got uglier and uglier you would think they would choose family over TV and the $$$. Instead, they are using their gross family drama to keep that steady flow of paychecks coming.

So, as it turns out, Jon is the one who told Kate he wanted a divorce. And people will applaud him for finally standing up for himself. But wouldn't it be better for him to stand up for himself within the marriage? And Kate - oh Kate - I was horrified to read that you told People how you told your children about the impending divorce. Such private, private family stuff. It's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. NONE.

I am relieved that TLC isn't airing new eps until August. Will I tune in? Yes. Will I hate myself for it? Kind of. Mostly I just want those poor kids to be OK. And it might not be a bad idea for J&K to watch some older episodes - back when it was a feel-good, bland, vanilla family show. They loved each other. They had fun together. They weren't fame whores.

Just a thought.

RAIN! I mean, VACATION!

Coffee at Au Bon Pain on a rainy morning

My posse ready to lose their collective minds on another rainy day

Jane making music with her buddy Griffin

Greg driving with his sidekick, Jimmy

Me and Jane with my sisters at DQ

So, um, this rain? Sucks. But the vacation rages on. Thursday it absolutely poured all day. Jane and I spent another quality morning at the mall, except this time, instead of walking around on her own, meeting and greeting all the old mall walkers, she decided that rather than walking or riding in the stroller, she would pitch major fits and throw dramatic tantrums every time I had to put her down (carrying a 30 lb child and pushing a stroller at the same time = NOT FUN). We also went to my cousin's house to visit her and her three (THREE!) kids. I was lucky to escape the madness on Thursday evening to go to rehearsal.

Friday - guess what? More rain. Awesome. We went my friend Cheryl's house to hang with her and her son Griffin, who is less than two weeks younger than Jane. That kid has mad verbal skillz though - he said to me at one point, "this balloon has no helium." Seriously! He's not even two! It was really fun to see them, and Jane had a blast playing with more toys that aren't hers. Later we went to Dairy Queen to see my sisters (one of my sisters owns it, the other works there. I put many years into DQ myself, when my parents owned it.). Because I haven't been feeling well, Greg took Jane home and I went off to get a pedicure and read the gossip mags at Barnes and Noble. I must say that was pretty fabulous. Also, it stopped raining for a little bit!

Vacation report to conclude tomorrow. Here's a preview - RAIN!

vacation, continued

More vacation fun times over the past couple of days. The only major drag is the fact that I'm just still not feeling well - overall lethargic, cold, headachy, etc. I thought I would be rid of this by now. But anyway - yesterday we had my friend Cathy and her daughter Olivia, who is a couple of months younger than Jane, over. It's cool to see them really play now, instead of just sit next to each other like lumpy infants. After they left, Jane took a power nap, and it was so long that I decided she might be sick, which of course stressed me out (I like to infuse as much stress into my vacations as possible). Last night I went to dinner with two of my theater peeps, and then went to a theater board meeting (whoo to the hoo).

Today we went to visit my friend Betsy and her two girls. Jane was thrilled to be in a house with all-new-to-her toys. After Tornado Jane ripped through their house, we went home - Jane napped and I sat on the back deck and read (currently reading "American Wife" by Curtis Sittenfeld - very good - loosely based on the life of Laura Bush). As you can see, the dogs also enjoyed the limited sunshine we've had this week. After Jane got up, we went to West Hartford Center and Jane proceeded to demand I carry her for a good 1.5 miles. That's a heavy, squirmy load! That's her in the last picture, wreaking havoc on Starbucks.

Not that exciting a report, I admit - which is why I give you more pics!

vacation, so far

Just got home from a really nice day in Mystic. We went to the Mystic Aquarium, which I have not been to in years and years. Although the weather douchebags said that it was supposed to rain all day, it turned out to be really nice - a great day for checking out the whales, sea lions (a personal fave, since we saw so many in San Diego when we were there), penguins, and other fishy things. After that we wandered around all of the dorky Mystic shops (or should I say "Shoppes") and checked out a marina or two.

As for the rest of the vacation so far, we went to a graduation party on Saturday and hung at the boat on Sunday, and I blocked a ton of Act 1 of my show on Sunday night. So far, so good people. Now I just need to get rid of this cold that is totally dragging me down.

Up for tomorrow: Jane's haircut, a visit from a friend and her daughter, and a theater board meeting (that part is no so much fun).

staycation, all I ever wanted

Oh, hey! What's up? Wow, did I make a good decision to take a blog break. Because, party people, you would have heard a LOT of whining. But here I am! On the other side of the work week, and my big June vacation has begun, albeit with a super crappy cold. Ugh. Also, bad weather forecasted for the rest of the week. Moving on.

So all week, people have been asking me where I'm going. And the answer to that is - nowhere! It's a big "staycation" for me. Most of my vacations are staycations. I haven't gone anywhere in over two years. Lord, do I hate the word "staycation." It's so lame. You might as well say "lamecation." So yes. I am on vacation. And I am staying here.

My whole goal this week is not to get caught up in stupid crappy chores or house projects or things that just make me more anxious. This week I'd like to block a whole lot of my show, I'd like for Jane and I to start feeling better, I'd like to see a bunch of friends, and I'd like to try to remember how to relax.

So far today I've gone to Target, to a festival/arts-and-crafts thingy, and to Barnes and Noble. As soon as Jane gets up from her nap, we're off to a birthday/graduation party, where I will see my best friends. And there's nothing like seeing people that these that remind you that you ARE fun, you DO laugh, and you are so lucky to have a close group who have known you since you were eight.

I will try to keep you posted this week on all of my staycation (gag) activities!

I'm here

I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not blogging too much, and that's going to be the trend for a little bit. I'm spinning, and I'm exhausted, and I feel like that's all I ever say. And I'm starting to get a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that that's all I say. I am off work for a week next week. So I get to actually be a mother to my child, rather than that person she sees in the morning and at night. She'll take a break from the people who are actually raising her, her daycare providers, and spend some time with me - the one who writes the big checks to the daycare providers.

Obviously I don't think that people (i.e. me) who send their kids to daycare are not actually raising their kids. But when I see her so little, it just feels that way. Part of it is just the way it has to be.

I sound bitter. And nasty. And horrible. And this is why I'm going to stop for a bit. Because nobody needs to read this. I'll be back when I'm feeling like I've got something better to say. I will get over myself. Swear.

bits

Man oh man, does this blog suck these days. It's all woe is me, anal expression, woe is me, anal expression. There's got to be more to life than this!

This has been a busy week. I say this all the time, lately. Alan called me out recently by telling me that most of my emails start off talking about how busy I am. If I were Alan I would say, well, if you're so damn busy, why are you writing this email? To which I would say, that's enough outta you. But everyone's busy. I know no one whose life is not crammed full of shit to do. So maybe I'll stop complaining about how busy I am. HA! Oh, how I crack myself up.

I still am not feeling so great. My stomach has been really odd this week again - don't know if it's anxiety, reflux, major undiagnosed illness - there is a part of me that is wondering if I should go get myself checked for THE DIABETES. I know, you're all, here she goes again, but I feel sluggish and gross, and my diet sucks, and I haven't done a great job of eating low sugar, low carb anything, and am kind of afraid that my 40% elevated risk of developing type 2 diabetes has reared its ugly head. Or maybe I'm just tired. Do you think not getting more than 6-7 hours of sleep a night (and more likely 5-6 hours of sleep a night) for two years could make someone feel nauseous?

My show is chugging along. The cast has learned a lot of the music, but I have LOADS of blocking to do. It's gonna be HUGE. It better be, considering it will be my (latest) last hurrah for a while. (Does it count as a "last hurrah" if it's only for a while? Well, you know us theater folk. We like to be DRAMATIC.)

I am so joyous that it is Friday. The aforementioned Alan, with his sidekick Todd, will be joining us at the boat on Sunday. I'm sure that will lead to quite an interesting report on Alan's blog next week, what with his great fear that we're going to sink in the great, deep Connecticut River, all Titanic-style.

Have a great weekend, all y'all!

my rock and roll life

When you live a rock and roll life like mine, you get used to fabulous freebees all the time. So I wasn't surprised to see that Jimmy, my rock and roll dog, received a buy five, get one free offer of his own.

frankie says relax

I'm a person who is prone to panic attacks. I am also a person, who, lately, has had a sort of-to-very meh-feeling stomach - for a month, anyway. I think it's anxiety-based. So what the hell is wrong with me, you ask? I think the crux of my problem is that I really don't know how to relax. Even when I get a few moments, or even an hour, of free time on the weekends, I tend to use that time to complete chores or do some other work-based project. I never just....be.

Because this week I really REALLY haven't been feeling great (see previous post), I made a vow that this weekend, I would absolutely chill out. Yesterday, we went down to the boat, and just when things were mildly relaxing, we had some engine trouble and had to come back to dock. Nothing stressful about that....so today, I made that vow all over again. And you know what? I managed to spend an hour or so on the back deck reading when Jane was napping. I literally had to force my brain to stop thinking about all of the laundry and cleaning and etc etc blah blah blah I should be doing and just chill. Why do we (I) have such trouble letting myself recharge? I'm always going going going like that Energizer Bunny but the battery is going to run out, and then what?

What's your favorite thing to do to relax? I'm taking recommendations!

PS I realize this is sort of a random and boring post, but I was tired of looking at the one talking about how depressed I am.

low

This is a low day for me. Between auditions last week for my show and working late this week for my actual paying job, I've been absent at home more than I'd like to be, and more than is normal. Because of this, Jane has gotten weird about me - when I am home, she's extremely clingy, and extremely tragic when I'm not paying attention to her. This makes me feel so wretched and guilty and all the horrible things associated with being a full-time working mom who is trying to also maintain a hobby. Today was a truly upsetting morning - Jane was so miserable all morning, and when I dropped her off a daycare she freaked. In addition, a ton of the kids in her room apparently have had a fever/bronchial infection type of thing, and are being sent home left and right. So now it's only a matter of time until Jane gets it - no doubt right in time for the weekend. Nothing like feeling like you're dropping off your child in a pool of nasty.

When I left daycare, I totally broke down, and that repeated itself a couple of more times today. This is hard shit, people. I break down my life right now and I see four main things that take up my energy and time:

1) Jane
2) my job
3) my show
4) exercise

So what goes? Not Jane, not work, obviously. The exercise thing really only adds up to four hours a week or so, but you'd be surprised at how hard it is to schedule. I tend to get up at 5 and go then, or on the weekends. It's important to keep doing, because after having THE GESTATIONAL DIABETES I have about a 40% higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes than your average person. Exercise is a big way to avoid that.

So that leaves the show. And not this specific show - which, separate from everything else, I am SO excited about, and know it's going to be so great, and know that it's going to suck up so much of my life over the next seven weeks - but shows in general. Last year it was easy to do my summer show - Jane was only one and didn't really care as much if I, personally, was home. Now she definitely cares. Which makes me feel like total shit.

So after July 18, I will most likely be taking yet another year break from trying to maintain my own life and identity. It's surprising how mostly OK I am with that. And I SHOULD be OK with that. Jane is my number-one priority. But wish I could squeeze two or three more hours out of each day. Or win the PowerBall.

weekend. recap.

This was a pretty good weekend, all in all. We were so busy and I felt like I never really sat down, but nevertheless. It was good. It makes me desperate for more time off - I need it so badly.

Saturday morning I met my friend Heather and her three kids at a nearby reservoir and hiked around. Jane was content in her stroller the entire time, which was truly shocking. Heather's twins decided to go missing for a bit there, so that part wasn't so great, but it was just nice to be able to find something that two adults, two 7 year olds, one almost three year old and one almost two year old would enjoy together. Later on Saturday, Greg and I went down to the boat, and managed to take it out on our own without any assistance. I was tying ropes and shit, people. Big times. The weather wasn't too good and we hit some choppy water, and Jane didn't have all that much fun (22 month olds are suprisingly cranky when they are required to sit in one place for long periods of time -who knew?), but we made it.

Sunday I had a production meeting and then the first rehearsal for my show. Good lord, do we have a lot of work to do. We have such an awesome cast and I still think this has the potential to be one of the best shows I've ever done, but the score is insane and there is a lot that has to be done between now and eight weeks from now...wait...less than eight weeks from now. Yipes!

Today we went back down to the boat, and my mom and brother came too. Much nicer weather, and much nicer ride. It was so glorious out today. It makes me very weepy sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow, for an especially long day. Sigh.

where the hell have you been?

And by "you," I mean "me."

This week has been so busy, party people. Three nights of auditions, one music director leaving the show, a hiring of another one, trying to get over 30 people slotted into parts and set for read-through on Sunday, and not getting more than 4.5 hours of sleep a night. Oh and also - Jane had a parent-teacher conference today - or, wait, I had a parent-teacher conference for Jane - and it turns out that she is frakkin awesome, with the highlights being her awesomeness and her compassion for her classmates, which is apparently unusual at her age. So it turns out Jane is...nice. Where did that come from? Also,,since she hadn't been feeling well for the past couple of days, I suspected an ear infection, so I took her to the doc today. Turns out - she has an ear infection. Every once in a while I know what I'm talking about. Rarely - but it happens.

More later!

temptation

Remember how I'm giving up television for the summer? And I TOTALLY AM. Except then Fox decided to premiere this new show, "Glee." It starts Tuesday night, and then starts up again in the fall. And I'm all like, no way am I going to watch this show, and then some people are like, oh, Amanda, you know you want to, and I'm all like, duh.

Because it's about a high school Glee Club made up of a bunch of theater dorks. Perhaps you may have noticed that I am the type of person who would very much identify with this show. And it stars Broadway people. And there will be music. And comedy.

Woe is me. I am Trying. To. Resist. But here's the thing - I don't think this should count, because it really doesn't start up for reals until the fall.

Right? RIGHT?

Read all about it here.

Celebrities - they're just like us!

Perhaps, when you've recently strolled by a magazine rack and saw Rebecca Romijn on the cover of June's In Style magazine, you thought to yourself - "damn, that model/actress/bombshell reminds me a lot of Amanda!" And you would be right. Because I have found the thing that Rebecca and I have in common.

In the magazine, her husband, actor Jerry O'Connell, had to fill out a survey of what makes Rebecca sexy. One of the questions asked what "one thing she does that you do not think is sexy..." and his answer was:

"Tell me to take the dogs to the vent to get their anal glands expressed." To which Rebecca noted, "Gotta be done."

And this is why I imagine that Greg spent a lot of time comparing me to Rebecca Romijn on Monday morning, bright and early, when he took Jimmy to the vet to get his anal glands expressed. Because the thing that Rebecca Romijn and I have in common is the ability to nag our husbands about our dogs' ass glands.

With that, I bid you a most excellent weekend!

PS I apologize if this post makes little to no sense. I was out late last night because I went to see Spring Awakening in Boston, and it's just been a week of late nights with the finales of The Biggest Loser and LOST.

PPS I know that makes me sound like a bit of a loser.

PPPS Shut up.

you guys, I'm about to say something SHOCKING

So I'm thinking ahead to the summer (i.e. THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR see also: WHY THE EFF DO I LIVE IN THIS HELLHOLE OF WINTER WEATHER). And I'm thinking this:

I might give up TV for the summer.

I KNOW. This WHOLE POST should be written in ALL CAPS. But I'm heading into auditions for my show this weekend. In just over a week I will be at rehearsals three nights a week. I am also editing a big project for a friend. I got stuff to do, is what I'm sayin'. Also, I would like to lose 10 pounds*. I can do that with activities that don't involve watching TV. In addition, it will be light out. I don't want to waste that precious light by sitting inside and watching TV.

So, in conclusion, I have got to shut off this TV. (After I finish watching The Biggest Loser finale. And the LOST finale. And some other stuff. Shut up!) In reality, I won't completely cut off the tube, but I am seriously going to cut down - just my Daily Shows, Colbert Reports, and Project Runway, once it starts up in August.

So let's see how this goes...

*I don't think I can lose 10 pounds unless I cut off a limb. And not a small one, like an arm or something. I'm talking about a big ol' leg. Or my head. I have a feeling my brain is pretty heavy (shut up, Dwayne. And Shane).

today part 2

A couple of pics from today (I know that one of Jane alone is all washed out, but I still love it)

It was a good, mom-filled weekend.

today

Today:

I am profoundly grateful that my mother is alive and close by.

I am still in awe that I am a mother, and that I am raising this sassy, funny, dramatic, silly little girl who is morphing from a baby to a little kid more and more every day.

I hold close to my heart my close friends who have lost their mothers or their children. This seemingly benign Hallmark holiday can cut very, painfully deep to those to who have lost someone close. I know this personally, because this is how I often feel on Father's Day.

So give yo mama a hug today, if you can.

pulling your hair back in a ponytail is not the same thing as taking a shower

My friend sent me this video today, and it cracked my shit up, especially the part about looking for the retainer in the garbage, which my mom had to do when I lost my retainer at Burger King. Happy Mother's Day to all who celebrate this fine, fine holiday (which I wholeheartedly embrace, of course).

http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=tqWhFSmLHreylGVLx8cITDgyMjI3NQ--&referred_by=3602757-1df.dzx

Beauty for Babies

OK, party people. I think we could all stand to brighten up our look a little, don't you think? No, I'm not talking to you. Or you. Well, maybe you. Anyway, here's the dealio - you see that "Beauty for Babies" button over there on my sidebar? Well, click on it. Then bid on some truly fabulous packages put together from the personal collection of some very generous Sephora buyers. Oh, Sephora. How I love thee - so pretty, so nice-smelling, so everything I'm not most days. 100% of proceeds goes towards the March of Dimes, in honor of the truly beautiful Maddie Spohr.

Do it!

why I am an ass (5/4/09 edition)

So this morning, as I was driving in to work, I thought to myself, "WOW. I haven't had to take Jane to the doctor in a long time! A really long time! Like, three months worth of long time! THAT IS A LONG TIME."

The moment I thought it, I wanted to rip the very notion from my brain. Because, obviously, I was jinxing it. But I had no wood to knock on! So I tried to be rational. Just thinking that Jane has been relatively healthy doesn't mean we would be off to the doctor in a mere few hours.

Oh, how the gods laughed.

When I picked Jane up at daycare today, they said she was acting very fussy this morning, and tripping a lot. They also said that a couple of other kids in her class had had ear infections, and one of the girls had done the similar tripping thing before she was diagnosed. (I think ear infections can throw off your equilibrium or something.)

So, crap. I decided to call the pediatrician's office to squeeze her in for a last-minute appointment before they closed. There are few things I like less then going into a hot, stuffy, germy pediatrician's office at the end of the day. Jane hates it even more. The second they called us in, she started screaming. I guess you can get so many shots before you start having negative associations with places.

Sure enough, she had a raging ear infection in one of her ears. I probably should have picked this up because she was pretty cranky this weekend and she has a cold, but I blamed it on teething (as a parent, you tend to blame a lot of things on teething. Crankiness, the economy, swine flu, etc etc).

In conclusion, I totally JINXED IT! But I'm glad I brought her in and got the drugs.

I am lazy so I will let these bloggers do my work for me

This made me laugh (courtesy of the lovely Bridget at Yellaphant) (I now want to work the word "mothaflippas" into every sentence) (Alan, you will love this post)

This had me nodding my head like a maniac (courtesy of Jane (cool name, right?) at Baby Squared). Seriously, I feel like she sucked this post out of my brain.

Have a great weekend!

this little piggy went to market

As Alan well knows by now, I've given in to SWINE FLU fever. No, I don't have SWINE FLU fever, but I'm totally, completely, 100% freaked out about it. Those of you who know me well know I am a bit of a hypochrondriac. I do everything I can to keep it under control (for example, I have banned myself from WebMD). And, to give myself some credit, I laughed when I first heard of SWINE FLU (really, doesn't it seem like we should all caps that bitch?). Because seriously, what a silly sounding disease! And I pretty much ignored it through the weekend. Until it started creeping across the US. Until there were some suspected cases here in CT. Until I found out a 23-month-old died from it. And then I lost it. Because, you know Jane goes to daycare. She's a magnet for all infectious diseases, major and otherwise.

I emailed Alan first thing this morning to talk me off the ledge. He's a scientist, you see, and I trusted him. And he did a fairly good job. And then I came home and against Alan's orders I went online. And saw that we are about one sneeze away from full pandemic status.

SO. I've decided, instead of crying about SWINE FLU here (and seriously, guys, today I literally cried about SWINE FLU - a couple of times) (aren't you glad I trust you all enough to really let my freak flag fly?) I would share a very cute story that happened this morning.

I was leaving for daycare and work with Jane this morning, and when we were walking out, I told her to say "bye bye" to the dogs. So, as usual, she bid them a very hearty farewell - and then PROCEEDED TO GIVE BOTH OF THEM A KISS. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Cuteness defined. Of course Junior apparently likes to play hard to get, because he kept turning his head away. But I made sure to hold him in place so she could give him a smooch.

I loved it because I didn't tell her to give them kisses. I've never told her to do that. She just decided to do it on her own. Which is why, despite the tantrums, the boundary-testing, and the everlasting drama, I will take toddler-dom over newborn-dom any day of the week.

weekend. recap.

I am sitting outside right now. OUTSIDE at 7:30 p.m. SEVEN THIRTY PEE EMM. I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I am not cold. It is not raining, or snowing, and it doesn't seem like it's going to do either for a long time. I will probably sit out here for another half hour before it's dark out.

It is amazing what a difference the weather makes. This goes double with a toddler. Just having the option to go outside and look for rocks in the driveway, or blow bubbles, or run circles around a (parked) car - oh, it is glorious. All without jackets and sweaters and layers. Jane and I rocked our shorts and t-shirts all weekend. Do you have any idea how much easier it is to stuff a kid in a carseat minus the winter coat?

Our weekend was pretty good. Yesterday we bummed around West Hartford Center, got some new shoes for Jane, and had an impromptu cookout last night. Today Greg was doing boat stuff and Jane and I went to a baptism, and then she took a 2.5 hour nap.

Glorious, I tell you.

So, as you can see - the itinerary wasn't any more exciting than any other weekend. But with the temps in the 80s, I would say it was the best weekend so far this year.

Rattled!

Lisa recently asked me to chat about what I’ve been reading. So I thought I’d let all y’all know about a very quick, entertaining and insightful book I just plowed through last week – it’s called Rattled!, and it was written by Christine Coppa who writes the Storked! blog over at Glamour.com (I have a link to it over on there side there too).

I started reading Storked! at some point after Jane was born, so completely obsessed with parenting blogs was I. Chrissy’s son, JD, was born about a month after Jane, but her experience of having a child was much different from mine – while I was married and actively trying to become pregnant, Chrissy – who was living the young and fabulous life all Sex and the City-style in NYC (jealous!), found herself “storked” just a few months into a relationship. Her boyfriend (she calls him “A” in the book, and as far as I’m concerned, A = “Ass”) had ditched out of the scene completely by the time JD was born in August 2007, so Chrissy found herself in a position she never expected or planned for - a 26-year-old single mom living back home in New Jersey.

This was all information I knew from reading her blog, but the book goes into so much more detail. And while it’s a quick read and earned a lot of head-nodding from me (some pregnancy/parenthood experiences are oh-so-universal), it truly made me think about some things.

In her blog and in her book, Chrissy talks about being judged as a single parent - and, well, here’s the thing. I never judged single parents in a negative way, but I certainly never gave them the credit they deserved until I had my own child. I will hang my head in shame when I say I may have had a “what’s the big deal?” mindset when I was younger.

Oh, how I know what the big deal is now. When Greg is away and I’m on my own, or when Jane and I are sick at the same time, or when I want to – God forbid – do something for myself, I will often say, out loud, “I don’t know how single parents do it.” I still don’t. They don’t deserve negative judgment – rather, they deserve gold medals for doing the hardest job in the world solo. And when someone like Chrissy is a single parent unexpectedly – and does it with grace and humor to boot, while maintaining a writing career – they deserve a gold medal sprinkled with diamonds. With a cherry on top.

Something else I loved about the book was the relationship that Chrissy had with her grandmother, who passed away about a year ago. They were so very close and it made me wish I had known my grandmothers - and how much I hope that Jane has a strong bond with hers as she gets older (now she pretty much associates my mom with ice cream. Which is pretty awesome, obviously). It seems like such a special relationship to have, and one I’ll never experience.

I loved this book – I think partially because I’ve been reading Storked! for so long I feel like I “know” Chrissy, and it was so exciting to see her book come to fruition - but I know anyone who has been on a particular path, and been diverted so much that you start asking yourself “how the hell did I end up HERE?” – will love it too.

the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd

Here is the general stream of consciousness of a theater person when they are doing a show. “Why am I doing this? This is taking up way too much time. I have a job/school/life. I never see my friends/family/dog/child anymore. I haven’t eaten a decent meal in weeks. I’m not sleeping. This show is eating me alive. This director/actor/crew member is nuts/ psycho/insane. This show is gonna suck/rule. I hate this. I’m never doing a show again. That was so much fun. I can’t wait for the next one!”

Or something like that.

And with that I say – here we go again. If you are a reader of this blog from the beginning, you know that I used to do at least four or five local theater productions a year – whether as a performer, director, producer, crew member, whatever – I did it all, and all after working my regular full-time job at a performing arts center. After I had Jane, it was too hard to commit to three nights a week of rehearsal, and I’ve only done one show since she’s been born (although she did appear in-utero in Love Letters, starring myself and Alan).

Lately, have been dying to do a show again. It's always nice to take a break, especially when you're bouncing from one show to the next with no time in between, but after a few months, that little nagging "Igottadoashow" bug starts eating at your brain again. For me, it has to be totally worth it to cash in a couple of months of several nights a week out of the house. And here it is - this summer, I will be directing the musical Children of Eden for the summer group I have worked with for the past several years. I get to work with my core posse of theater peeps that I've been doing shows with for almost 20 years, which is awesome. The show goes up in July; auditions are next month.

So bring on the tears! Bring on the drama! Bring on the mom-guilt for not being around (albeit when she’s sleeping) three nights a week! I’m super-duper psyched.

weekend. update.

It's Friday, all y'all! And I am here to announce some things that are making me happy:

*It's, like, 70 degrees out or something. Suck on that, winter!

*We have friends coming up from New Jersey this weekend who we haven't seen in a long time.

*And my mom is coming to babysit tonight. Which means I get to go out.

*With other adult-like people.

*And have a cocktail.

*Or two.

Have a great weekend!

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands

So, dear internets, I'm in a funk. So much sad stuff has been happening simultaneously on several blogs that I read, and my heart has been cracking into a million pieces for people all over the country. In addition, I'm in a funk for other, more personal reasons (nothing major, no worries). So, in conclusion, I've been crying a lot (sorry, Shane).

Anywho, because of this, I want to know what's making YOU happy. What's putting a smile on your face? Please tell me all about it. Especially if you think it will put a smile on MY face. Because really, isn't it all about me?

bonus Easter pic

Jane wasn't so much about sitting and posing pretty for pictures this Easter. She was WAY TOO BUSY playing with her cousins and generally being the life of the party. But I wanted to post a pic that showed her whole super-cute outfit. I rely on her to represent the cuteness in this family, because Greg and I sure aren't bringin' it.

She had way more fun than this picture would lead to believe, by the way. She just doesn't smile for pictures anymore! It drives me nuts!

what a difference a year makes

Easter 2008 and Easter 2009

purple

When I got pregnant, I became hooked on parenting blogs (I loathe to use the words "mommy blogs" or daddy blogs") like nobody's business. You just feel better knowing that whatever chaos you're enduring, someone else, and, mostly likely, many, many other people, have gone through it too. You get advice, you get comfort, and you get laughs. Oh man, do you get laughs.

But you can also hear some of the most heartbreaking news. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned the sadness I felt at baby Emily Mandell's passing from cancer; this week, I read the unexpected and tragic news of young Maddie Spohr's passing. Maddie's mom, Heather, wrote about her daughter Maddie over at The Spohrs are Multiplying - and the story of Maddie is heroic. She was born 11 weeks early, and survived to become the most beautiful little girl, with the most stunning eyes you'll ever see. She was just three months younger than Jane.

As a parent, when you read stories like this, you just want to shut your eyes and tune it out. You don't want your mind to go to that most unbearable place. It hurts too much. But it is one of life's most painful realities. I have had two close friends go through the loss of a child - and the pain is truly unimaginable.

Heather has asked everyone who is attending Maddie's services on Tuesday in Los Angeles to wear purple (the color of the March of Dimes). If you think of it, throw on a splash of purple on Tuesday. If if you can, send a few dollars to the March of Dimes in honor of Maddie Spohr. It's a worthy cause. Most importantly, hug your loved ones a little tighter.

why I owe Whole Foods $37

Today was a busy day of chores, getting ready to host Easter (yet again) tomorrow. Have I mentioned how I really don't like hosting Easter? Bah humbug. Anyway, we had to stop at Whole Foods for a couple of things, and we wreaked havoc on that joint like nobody's business. First, when I was pawing through the pies, I managed to flip a lemon cream pie, rendering it useless (unless someone really is in the mood for a mushy-topped pie). Then, as we were in line, Jane popped the flower off the lily plant I got my mom for Easter, so I ran back to the display and switched it out. Then, when I came back, I saw that Greg had dropped our fruit salad all over the floor, so I had to grab another one. So:

Lemon creme pie: $10
Lily: $10
Fruit salad: $17
Being humiliated beyond all reason before 9 a.m.: priceless

Guess we should stick with Stop & Shop. We clearly can't handle the fancy-pantsiness of Whole Foods.

you asked!

So, I am excited to answer the couple of questions from the last post! Because, as you know, I love to ramble on about my life.


Laurie over at Days with Dylan asked why it was I thought Jane might have Down syndrome when I was pregnant with her. Laurie, the reason I thought that was because when I had my triple screen (which is a blood test where they screen your baby's risk for chromosomal issues, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about) it came with with a 1/77 chance that the baby had Down syndrome. That blood test is notoriously wrong, with a lot of false "positives" (this is really the wrong terminology, since it's not really giving you a "positive" result, it's only giving you a risk factor), but still, that was a high risk for someone my age (at 33, which is how old I was way back two years ago, the risk factor is, on average, 1/4oo or something like that). So they scheduled a level 2 ultrasound, which is a more detailed ultrasound than you would typically get, so they could get a better look at the baby's major organs. The ultrasound was scheduled for three weeks after I got the results of the blood test, so during that time (one of the most stressful periods of my life), I did a TON of research on what Down syndrome actually was (I knew, but didn't really KNOW, what it was), what the life of someone with Ds was like in this day and age, what kind of early intervention was recommended and available, etc, etc, etc. See, everyone told me "It will be OK, she will be fine" but here's the thing: I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to know what our lives would be like, and more importantly, what her life would be like if she did have Down syndrome. When I had the ultrasound, everything looked great, but the genetic counselor really recommended that I get an amnio and another ultrasound at 24 weeks to get a better look at her heart. But at that point, I was exhausted. We were going ahead with the pregnancy no matter what, and I was sick of tests. As it turned out, she didn't have Down syndrome, but it was during that last half of my pregnancy that I got hooked on some wonderfully-written blogs by moms who have children with Down syndrome, which at some point led me to yours, Laurie!


Lisa wants to know what I'm reading these days. It's true, Lisa, I plow through books like nobody's business. It's the result of having been an English major in college - you just learn how to read really, really fast. I just finished the book The Ten Year Nap by Meg Wolitzer. It's about a group of stay-at-home mothers in New York City who are feeling itchy (for lack of a better word) about where their lives are going. It goes into the politics and drama between stay-at-home moms and working moms (all a very real, and very silly, phenomenon) and the friendships that develop between women who are threaded together by mere fact that they have children the same age. It was really good, although kind of depressing in its honesty.


I am now reading The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs, a book I've been avoiding in the bookstore for a couple of years now. It scared me off with the whole idea of a plot centered around knitting (you know how non-crafty I am) but it finally lured me in, and I'm glad it did. It has very little to do with knitting and more to do about a multi-generational group of friends who gather on Friday nights at a knit shop in New York City. Their lives are diverse and very different from each other's, but their lives link up at their weekly knitting social hour type thingy. (I think it's very good that I don't write the copy for book jackets.) Anyway, I like it so far, but rumor has it there is a very sad part, and I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

Have a great weekend! Hope the Easter Bunny visits your house (he better visit mine as I'm counting down the hours of Lent - I need chocolate, stat.)

blogiversary!

Happy Blogiversary to me
Happy Blogiversary to me
Happy THIRD Blogiversary to meeeeee
Happy Blogiversary to me!

So, over the past three years, I have unloaded the most mundane, ridiculous, exciting, boring, sad, happy, monumental moments of my life on to the internets. My blogiversary was actually on April 4 - on that day, in 'ought-six, I was lamenting the humliation of taking the now infamous Jimmy to dog training class. I also wrote this: "Can't wait to see what I'll be like with kids."

To Amanda of 2006 I say - girl, you have no idea.

In honor of this landmark, please let me know in comments if there is any iota of my life that you are just dying to know, and I'll be sure to touch on it in the future.

my weekend, because I know you're interested

I have a ton of chores to do this weekend. My mom's birthday is Monday (with a little family party tomorrow) and Greg's birthday is Tuesday (I think it's cosmically unfair that two of the top three people in my life have birthdays right next to each other - not good for my wallet!) and I've only bought a couple of little presents for each of them so far - have to go out and finish up my present shopping this morning. I also have to take a much-needed trip to Target (this one will definitely be at least $150 - I can tell already - I need diapers, so there is $40 right off the bat - well, I don't need diapers, but you know what I mean). Then I have to go grocery shopping to get the goods for what I'm bringing to tomorrow's party (green salad and macaroni salad) plus food for, you know, us. So that's today. Plus Greg is doing a major project on our back deck and is going to be completely preoccupied with it until it's done. Why, right now he's drilling in screws and it's 6:40 a.m.! Oh, how our neighbors love us! Except the opposite of love.

It's so nice that it's starting to get light at 6 a.m. I get up at 5, and it's nice to start seeing daylight fairly soon after I get up. Makes me feel so much more human if I'm not stumbling around in the dark all the time. (I mean that literally. I am always stumbling around in the dark figuratively, of course.)

Have a great weekend!

the R-word

So, if you spend any time with me, you know how much I hate the word "retard" or "retarded." I really don't like calling people out on stuff (unless I know you really really well) but this is something that pops out of my mouth if I hear someone using those words - I'll just say something like "please don't use that word" or "I hate that word." And I do. I always have. It feels lazy, and insulting, and really, if you want to insult someone, can't you come up with a more creative way than using hate language? My feelings on this doubled, of course, when I found out that Jane might have Down syndrome. And, as you know, I read several awesome blogs by moms who have children with Down syndrome. This entry by Lisa at Finnian's Journey about the R-word is excellent - much better than mine, that's for sure - and when you scroll down and see a pic of her super-duper-cute boy Finnian, maybe you can think of him next time you decide to use that word. It hurts, people. It hurts people.

Off my soapbox now. But yesterday was a "Spread the Word to End the Word" day, and although I missed it, I wanted to touch on the subject.