Tuesday, December 13, 2011

reverb11 day 13: what scared you?

Today’s prompt asks: What scared you this year more than anything else? Did you learn anything new about yourself?

Well, I knew I would keep coming back to this. I was scared of changing my job. This was the biggest game-changer for me this year, and was the decision into which I put the most thought, most emotion, and most energy.

I was scared out of my mind. Scared that I would make the wrong choice. Scared that I would feel….less, because I was going part-time, you know? Parents – moms especially – put SO MUCH PRESSURE on themselves to do it all. We’re super-forgiving and encouraging of each other (at least, I know I am), but not so much of ourselves, am I right? We want to do it all. We went to have a career, a social life, time to ourselves, hobbies, the whole nine, while at the same time be a great parent. I want to, anyway. I know that I don’t want to work part-time forever. I like being busy – being crazy-busy, even. It’s who I am, who I’ve always been. I just don’t like being through-the-roof-insane busy. And nobody around me likes it when I’m that way either.

Like with most well-thought-out decisions, I learned a lot about myself. What I expected from myself (everything). What I wanted out of my life (more balance, more creativity, more fun). That I was brave (this was a huge leap). That I could actually still be a theater person, even if I didn’t work at a theater anymore (see: past two months). That my weirdo, spazzy self would be accepted elsewhere, that I would make new friends. That, if even a minor amount of effort is put into it, I can keep up all of the awesome friendships I made at my previous job. That I could pursue freelancing, finally (something I'm planning on going balls-out with next year). That life could be better. That, even at 38, you can make big decisions that can be hugely impactful. That things don’t have to stay the same, just because they have been that way for so long. That ruts are stupid. That change is great. That you’re never stuck if you don’t want to be. That surprising people can be an awesome feeling – especially if you surprise yourself.

Sorry if this is repetitive – I knew the job situation would crop up more than once during reverb!


Jason said...

Good for you. It takes bravery to take a leap such as this. i am glad that everything worked out for you.

Tony Lamberto said...

"That ruts are stupid. " Amen.

Dwayne "The Train" said...

so this prompt is especially difficult for me because i am basically afraid of nothing (well, except a few things:

aliens, the aggressive kind
aliens, the peaceful kind
being hypnotized
being tickled
black holes
bullets, the ripping-through-my-body kind
chickens, the alive kind
children in large groups
christmas carolers
dark wooded areas
dental surgery
dry skin
ghost, the fictitious kind
ghost, the real kind
large crowds
most nocturnal creatures
movies that are scary
movies that have scary parts
movies that look like they might have scary parts
noisy elevators
other people's body smells
the great mole rat
tight spaces
unexplainable noise in the dark
vampire dog
wet dreams)

however, i do recall being pretty f*cking scared at one point over the summer. last year, i turned 30, which was awesome because i kinda felt like an actual adult for the first time. i liked being 30, but this past summer i turned 31, and that sh*t is scary.

turning 31, i suddenly realized that it's all downhill from this point. in a few short years i will be 40, and a few short year after that i will be dead. what's the point of living after turning 40? do people do anything useful with themselves after turning 40? do people really enjoy life anymore after turning 40?

i am scared sh*tless.


also, here’s my reply to not yesterday’s prompt: bacterial vaginosis.