ants in the pants

I'm feeling antsy about the blog. Now that Jane is two, I am a bit more hesitant to write about her, and especially to post pictures of her - now that she's less baby and more (godhelpme) kid. I took her for her 2-year checkup today - and she's weighing in at a sturdy 27 lbs, 4 oz, and standing at a tall 34 inches. If it's true that at two years old you are half your adult height, that means she will be 5'8". I have no idea if that's true, but if it is, she will be significantly taller than me. And then how am I supposed to carry her around on my hip?

So if I wean myself off of blogging about Jane - what the hell else am I supposed to talk about? Anything anyone want to know?

July has kicked my ass

This month is out of control. I realized today that my past four weekends have been intensely busy. To wit:

First weekend - Fourth of July party hosted at our house
Second weekend - Hell week begins for my show
Third weekend - My show, plus volunteered for Petit Family Foundation 5K race (at 6:30 a.m. mind you, after going to bed at 2 post-cast party), with a kid's birthday party thrown in there for good measure
Fourth weekend - Jane's birthday party extravaganza at our house

I'm utterly exhausted. Who does this to themselves? So forgive me if my vacation recap is bulletpointy.

Monday - Went to the beach with my friend Heather. I was drooling and pretty much comatose the whole time. It was fabulous.
Tuesday - It rained like a bitch, and Jane and I were similarly bitchy. Not a great day.
Wednesday - Went down to the boat. Good weather, went swimming in the pool, had fun.
Thursday - Jane's birthday. We went to Newport for the day, had a pretty awesome time.
Friday - Party prep.
Saturday - Party. Holy shitballs, people. I had 42 people in my house, and over a third of them were very small. It took me over two hours to clean the carnage up after.
Sunday - Went to an Italian Festival with my mom and Jane. Ate fried dough. Yum.

I am pretty bummed that my last staycation of the summer is over. I don't have anymore significant time off until Christmas, and that makes me sad. But it will be nice to just go to work and then get to go home, instead of having to rush off to rehearsals. As much as I found the show to be a worthwhile experience, I DO NOT miss the (self-imposed) schedule.

The End.

two.

If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you.

If you'd never been born, well then what would you do?

If you'd never been born, well then what would you be?

You might be a fish! Or a toad in a tree!

You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes!

You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes.

Or worse than all that...Why, you might be a WASN'T!

A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.

A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.

But you...You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

~Dr. Seuss

ok, ok, one more video, that's it, I promise

remember me?

Dudes. I am STILL TIRED from the past week. The show went really well; hell week was utterly exhausting, emotionally and physically. I am literally achy from still being tired. Luckily I have this week off. I went to the beach today and sent Jane along to daycare; she and I will be staycationing it for the rest of the week. But I leave you with this scene from the show, so you can see what it is I have been doing. More news later.

HELL WEEK!

Ah, you know it's gonna be a good week when it already has a name like "Hell Week."

For those of you who don't do theater, "hell week" is the final week of rehearsals - we rehearse every night, for 5+ hours, work in all technical aspects of the show previously unrehearsed, work in the musicians, and generally have a slew of nervous breakdowns until were are trembling shadows of our former selves by show night. Whee! Show biz!

To give you an idea of how we are feeling as we go into today's 10+ hour rehearsal, my music director and I have dubbed this week - "Hell Week - With 25% more Hell!"

Yay.

Directing a show with a 28-person adult cast and 15-person children's chorus has been - something else. Gratifying, nervewracking, scary, exciting, fulfilling, combative - just a handful of adjectives out of many more I could think up - if my brain wasn't mush.

On top of it all, I'm fairly sure I have bronchitis, or something close to it. Also, my mom-guilt will explode this week since the only time I will see Jane is in the mornings, before I head off to work.

Why do I do this? This is a question that is asked of me often, and that I ask myself every day. I'll answer it on the flip side.

Have a great week! And if you in the CT area, you better be at the show!

cuteness, defined.

I am in chaotic chaos-ridden chaos-ity with my show right now. So instead of actually blogging like a real blogger would, I would like to share these two FRAKKIN CUTE pics of Jane. I didn't even take them; my friend Todd did at our Fourth of July extravaganza. See how patriotic Jane is, in her Nova Scotia t-shirt, given to her by Todd and her Canadianfather, Alan. (Alan is Jane's Canadianfather because she is 1/something French Canadian, and Alan is Canadian by way of his motherland, Nova Scotia. So he is in charge of teaching her all the wonderful things about Canada. In fact, the guests at our party played an impromptu game of "Better Know a Canadian" starring Alan, where they berated him with questions like "are you ever going to become an American citizen" and "when you came to American and had ham for the first time, were you surprised?")

So, um, anyway, here are some pics. I promise to be less scatterbrained in a couple of weeks. (don't hold your breath.) (as if you were.)

birthday. missed.

Today is my father’s birthday. He died nine and a half years ago, and I cannot believe how much my life has transformed in those years. He knew me as a mid-20-something who had finally established herself as a journalist and got her ass out of the house only a couple of years before. He knew me as someone who was struggling with my weight, and who had just finally started to shed a significant number of pounds through diet and exercise. He knew me as someone who had just started up a relationship after several years of single life. He knew me in my carefree, young days. I have not achieved that carefree mindset since the day he died. I may have technically been an adult already, but I really grew up that day.



He will never know me as someone who left journalism because I didn’t want to miss out on my life. He will never know that he inspired that. He will never know me as a fiancé, a wife, a dog owner, and most painfully, a mother. He will never meet Jane, and see how she has inherited the [maiden name] unibrow. I search for the [maiden name] in Jane; because she looks so much like Greg, it’s hard to see it. But I think her dramatic personality show signs of her Italian side.
It has been so long that days like these are nowhere near as painful as they used to be. But as my life grows and expands, it still cuts deep that he will never know me, as I am now.


Happy Birthday, Dad.

holiday, celebrate

Today is Red, White and Blue Day at daycare

So things are a bit intense 'round these parts. Let me bulletpoint what the next several weeks look like:

*We are hosting a Fourth of July party on Saturday that requires us to remove the remnants of last weekend's ALMOST-PRACTICALLY-SOCLOSE TORNADO EVENT OF THE CENTURY, clean the house, buy stuff to eat, try to not to kill each other and celebrate all of the joyousness of the U.S. of A. I am looking forward to the party - the prep, not so much. Oh, also? We are all sick.

*I am two weeks away from my show, which means in the next week, we have to block any scenes we have missed so far (hint: there are a bunch) and then make the show so its running time is not six-and-a-half days long. Next weekend begins the much-anticipated and always Xanax-necessary Hell Week, when we move the show to the acutal auditorium where we will be performing and everything goes to shit. We will rehearse for many long hours every night the week of the 12th, and then that weekend is the show. And then I collapse and die in a blaze of glory.

*If I don't collapse and die, then Jane's birthday is looming, and preparations must begin for her SECOND BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT EXTRAVAGANZA the weekend of the 25th. Everyone keeps asking me what the theme of her birthday is. I don't know, how about, um, "Jane is Two"? Does that work?

Have a great holiday and don't blow your hands off with any fireworks! Rumor has it Noah and his ark might be able to dock this weekend because the weather is supposed to be OK - ha! - I'll believe it when I see it.

we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto

So, the other day, let's call it "Friday," I was gearing up for the weekend. I had just gotten my hair cut, and I stopped at home to pick up some things before I went down to the boat to stay overnight. Greg, Jane and the dogs were already down there. I got home at about 4:15 p.m., and probably would have left at around 4:25 - except it started raining. Really, really hard. So I figured I'd just wait it out (didn't want to ruin my fresh, new 'do, ya know).

And then the rain kept coming. And then it turned to golf ball-sized hail. And then the wind whipped to what reports say was about 80 mph. The power went out. A tree went down in my front yard. And the wind was shaking the windows in my house, and the hail was pelting against the windows, and I, for the first time ever in a storm, was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do.

So, naturally, I grabbed my camera and opened the front door, so I could get some pics. And then I heard it. That weird, train-like noise that I recognized from the movie Twister. So I shut the door, and instead of going to the basement - LIKE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO - I stood there. In front of my kitchen window. Too scared to move.

After about 20 minutes - a very, very long 20 minutes - the storm subsided to just rain. So I went outside, and holy crap, the carnage. Trees - big ass trees - down everywhere. Looked like they were plucked from the ground like weeds. I was trapped, because there were six trees across my road alone - four on one side and two on the other - never mind all the trees and bushes down in people's yards. My neighbor's shutters look like lace - the hail must've pounded the little holes in them. Someone's roof was partially knocked down. The fire department cruised by, saying in their megaphone, "Is everyone OK?" I walked around, taking pictures of everything, talking to neighbors I've never talked to in my life. It was surreal.

Part of my road was cleared out by Saturday morning, so I was able to make it down to the boat, and it's a good thing, because the power didn't come back on until Sunday morning. We were lucky to have somewhere else to stay.

It wasn't a tornado, although a nearby town did experience an actual tornado. But I think it was about as close as it could come. We're still picking up the mess. The landscape of my whole neighborhood looks different.

Eight Minus Jon & Kate

I am interrupting my regularly-scheduled vacation recap (and, seriously, who is lamer than I for not uploading the pics and posting them? I mean, it's not like I was traveling anywhere. But that vacation left me 100% exhausted. And now I'm a bit more than three weeks from my show, so that has become my all-consuming obsession.) (But I promise I will post pics from this weekend. At some point.)

Anyway, I just want to quickly touch on this Jon and Kate Gosselin crap. Look, I used to watch the show all the time. When I first had Jane, I got hooked on all sorts of baby-style shows, the majority being on channels like TLC and Discovery Health. After a while they become boring to me again, but I still recorded J&K, and sometimes just watched it as background noise.

Of course, I have become completely obsessed with the dramatic, in-your-face unraveling of their marriage. It's like a train wreck. I feel so badly for staring, but I just can't help myself. My friends and I all say the same thing - WHY DON'T THEY QUIT THE SHOW TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE?

I think they found themselves in a trap. When they first had that gaggle of kids, they had no money and relied heavily on donations. They finally saw the money coming in, and slowly but surely became reality TV stars, and lived liked celebrities - huge house, free trips, free surgeries - everything. So, if they quit the show to save themselves, they would be back to having no money - no financial insurance for all of those college educations. But as things got uglier and uglier you would think they would choose family over TV and the $$$. Instead, they are using their gross family drama to keep that steady flow of paychecks coming.

So, as it turns out, Jon is the one who told Kate he wanted a divorce. And people will applaud him for finally standing up for himself. But wouldn't it be better for him to stand up for himself within the marriage? And Kate - oh Kate - I was horrified to read that you told People how you told your children about the impending divorce. Such private, private family stuff. It's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. NONE.

I am relieved that TLC isn't airing new eps until August. Will I tune in? Yes. Will I hate myself for it? Kind of. Mostly I just want those poor kids to be OK. And it might not be a bad idea for J&K to watch some older episodes - back when it was a feel-good, bland, vanilla family show. They loved each other. They had fun together. They weren't fame whores.

Just a thought.

RAIN! I mean, VACATION!

Coffee at Au Bon Pain on a rainy morning

My posse ready to lose their collective minds on another rainy day

Jane making music with her buddy Griffin

Greg driving with his sidekick, Jimmy

Me and Jane with my sisters at DQ

So, um, this rain? Sucks. But the vacation rages on. Thursday it absolutely poured all day. Jane and I spent another quality morning at the mall, except this time, instead of walking around on her own, meeting and greeting all the old mall walkers, she decided that rather than walking or riding in the stroller, she would pitch major fits and throw dramatic tantrums every time I had to put her down (carrying a 30 lb child and pushing a stroller at the same time = NOT FUN). We also went to my cousin's house to visit her and her three (THREE!) kids. I was lucky to escape the madness on Thursday evening to go to rehearsal.

Friday - guess what? More rain. Awesome. We went my friend Cheryl's house to hang with her and her son Griffin, who is less than two weeks younger than Jane. That kid has mad verbal skillz though - he said to me at one point, "this balloon has no helium." Seriously! He's not even two! It was really fun to see them, and Jane had a blast playing with more toys that aren't hers. Later we went to Dairy Queen to see my sisters (one of my sisters owns it, the other works there. I put many years into DQ myself, when my parents owned it.). Because I haven't been feeling well, Greg took Jane home and I went off to get a pedicure and read the gossip mags at Barnes and Noble. I must say that was pretty fabulous. Also, it stopped raining for a little bit!

Vacation report to conclude tomorrow. Here's a preview - RAIN!

vacation, continued

More vacation fun times over the past couple of days. The only major drag is the fact that I'm just still not feeling well - overall lethargic, cold, headachy, etc. I thought I would be rid of this by now. But anyway - yesterday we had my friend Cathy and her daughter Olivia, who is a couple of months younger than Jane, over. It's cool to see them really play now, instead of just sit next to each other like lumpy infants. After they left, Jane took a power nap, and it was so long that I decided she might be sick, which of course stressed me out (I like to infuse as much stress into my vacations as possible). Last night I went to dinner with two of my theater peeps, and then went to a theater board meeting (whoo to the hoo).

Today we went to visit my friend Betsy and her two girls. Jane was thrilled to be in a house with all-new-to-her toys. After Tornado Jane ripped through their house, we went home - Jane napped and I sat on the back deck and read (currently reading "American Wife" by Curtis Sittenfeld - very good - loosely based on the life of Laura Bush). As you can see, the dogs also enjoyed the limited sunshine we've had this week. After Jane got up, we went to West Hartford Center and Jane proceeded to demand I carry her for a good 1.5 miles. That's a heavy, squirmy load! That's her in the last picture, wreaking havoc on Starbucks.

Not that exciting a report, I admit - which is why I give you more pics!

vacation, so far

Just got home from a really nice day in Mystic. We went to the Mystic Aquarium, which I have not been to in years and years. Although the weather douchebags said that it was supposed to rain all day, it turned out to be really nice - a great day for checking out the whales, sea lions (a personal fave, since we saw so many in San Diego when we were there), penguins, and other fishy things. After that we wandered around all of the dorky Mystic shops (or should I say "Shoppes") and checked out a marina or two.

As for the rest of the vacation so far, we went to a graduation party on Saturday and hung at the boat on Sunday, and I blocked a ton of Act 1 of my show on Sunday night. So far, so good people. Now I just need to get rid of this cold that is totally dragging me down.

Up for tomorrow: Jane's haircut, a visit from a friend and her daughter, and a theater board meeting (that part is no so much fun).

staycation, all I ever wanted

Oh, hey! What's up? Wow, did I make a good decision to take a blog break. Because, party people, you would have heard a LOT of whining. But here I am! On the other side of the work week, and my big June vacation has begun, albeit with a super crappy cold. Ugh. Also, bad weather forecasted for the rest of the week. Moving on.

So all week, people have been asking me where I'm going. And the answer to that is - nowhere! It's a big "staycation" for me. Most of my vacations are staycations. I haven't gone anywhere in over two years. Lord, do I hate the word "staycation." It's so lame. You might as well say "lamecation." So yes. I am on vacation. And I am staying here.

My whole goal this week is not to get caught up in stupid crappy chores or house projects or things that just make me more anxious. This week I'd like to block a whole lot of my show, I'd like for Jane and I to start feeling better, I'd like to see a bunch of friends, and I'd like to try to remember how to relax.

So far today I've gone to Target, to a festival/arts-and-crafts thingy, and to Barnes and Noble. As soon as Jane gets up from her nap, we're off to a birthday/graduation party, where I will see my best friends. And there's nothing like seeing people that these that remind you that you ARE fun, you DO laugh, and you are so lucky to have a close group who have known you since you were eight.

I will try to keep you posted this week on all of my staycation (gag) activities!

I'm here

I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not blogging too much, and that's going to be the trend for a little bit. I'm spinning, and I'm exhausted, and I feel like that's all I ever say. And I'm starting to get a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that that's all I say. I am off work for a week next week. So I get to actually be a mother to my child, rather than that person she sees in the morning and at night. She'll take a break from the people who are actually raising her, her daycare providers, and spend some time with me - the one who writes the big checks to the daycare providers.

Obviously I don't think that people (i.e. me) who send their kids to daycare are not actually raising their kids. But when I see her so little, it just feels that way. Part of it is just the way it has to be.

I sound bitter. And nasty. And horrible. And this is why I'm going to stop for a bit. Because nobody needs to read this. I'll be back when I'm feeling like I've got something better to say. I will get over myself. Swear.

bits

Man oh man, does this blog suck these days. It's all woe is me, anal expression, woe is me, anal expression. There's got to be more to life than this!

This has been a busy week. I say this all the time, lately. Alan called me out recently by telling me that most of my emails start off talking about how busy I am. If I were Alan I would say, well, if you're so damn busy, why are you writing this email? To which I would say, that's enough outta you. But everyone's busy. I know no one whose life is not crammed full of shit to do. So maybe I'll stop complaining about how busy I am. HA! Oh, how I crack myself up.

I still am not feeling so great. My stomach has been really odd this week again - don't know if it's anxiety, reflux, major undiagnosed illness - there is a part of me that is wondering if I should go get myself checked for THE DIABETES. I know, you're all, here she goes again, but I feel sluggish and gross, and my diet sucks, and I haven't done a great job of eating low sugar, low carb anything, and am kind of afraid that my 40% elevated risk of developing type 2 diabetes has reared its ugly head. Or maybe I'm just tired. Do you think not getting more than 6-7 hours of sleep a night (and more likely 5-6 hours of sleep a night) for two years could make someone feel nauseous?

My show is chugging along. The cast has learned a lot of the music, but I have LOADS of blocking to do. It's gonna be HUGE. It better be, considering it will be my (latest) last hurrah for a while. (Does it count as a "last hurrah" if it's only for a while? Well, you know us theater folk. We like to be DRAMATIC.)

I am so joyous that it is Friday. The aforementioned Alan, with his sidekick Todd, will be joining us at the boat on Sunday. I'm sure that will lead to quite an interesting report on Alan's blog next week, what with his great fear that we're going to sink in the great, deep Connecticut River, all Titanic-style.

Have a great weekend, all y'all!

my rock and roll life

When you live a rock and roll life like mine, you get used to fabulous freebees all the time. So I wasn't surprised to see that Jimmy, my rock and roll dog, received a buy five, get one free offer of his own.

frankie says relax

I'm a person who is prone to panic attacks. I am also a person, who, lately, has had a sort of-to-very meh-feeling stomach - for a month, anyway. I think it's anxiety-based. So what the hell is wrong with me, you ask? I think the crux of my problem is that I really don't know how to relax. Even when I get a few moments, or even an hour, of free time on the weekends, I tend to use that time to complete chores or do some other work-based project. I never just....be.

Because this week I really REALLY haven't been feeling great (see previous post), I made a vow that this weekend, I would absolutely chill out. Yesterday, we went down to the boat, and just when things were mildly relaxing, we had some engine trouble and had to come back to dock. Nothing stressful about that....so today, I made that vow all over again. And you know what? I managed to spend an hour or so on the back deck reading when Jane was napping. I literally had to force my brain to stop thinking about all of the laundry and cleaning and etc etc blah blah blah I should be doing and just chill. Why do we (I) have such trouble letting myself recharge? I'm always going going going like that Energizer Bunny but the battery is going to run out, and then what?

What's your favorite thing to do to relax? I'm taking recommendations!

PS I realize this is sort of a random and boring post, but I was tired of looking at the one talking about how depressed I am.

low

This is a low day for me. Between auditions last week for my show and working late this week for my actual paying job, I've been absent at home more than I'd like to be, and more than is normal. Because of this, Jane has gotten weird about me - when I am home, she's extremely clingy, and extremely tragic when I'm not paying attention to her. This makes me feel so wretched and guilty and all the horrible things associated with being a full-time working mom who is trying to also maintain a hobby. Today was a truly upsetting morning - Jane was so miserable all morning, and when I dropped her off a daycare she freaked. In addition, a ton of the kids in her room apparently have had a fever/bronchial infection type of thing, and are being sent home left and right. So now it's only a matter of time until Jane gets it - no doubt right in time for the weekend. Nothing like feeling like you're dropping off your child in a pool of nasty.

When I left daycare, I totally broke down, and that repeated itself a couple of more times today. This is hard shit, people. I break down my life right now and I see four main things that take up my energy and time:

1) Jane
2) my job
3) my show
4) exercise

So what goes? Not Jane, not work, obviously. The exercise thing really only adds up to four hours a week or so, but you'd be surprised at how hard it is to schedule. I tend to get up at 5 and go then, or on the weekends. It's important to keep doing, because after having THE GESTATIONAL DIABETES I have about a 40% higher risk of developing Type 2 diabetes than your average person. Exercise is a big way to avoid that.

So that leaves the show. And not this specific show - which, separate from everything else, I am SO excited about, and know it's going to be so great, and know that it's going to suck up so much of my life over the next seven weeks - but shows in general. Last year it was easy to do my summer show - Jane was only one and didn't really care as much if I, personally, was home. Now she definitely cares. Which makes me feel like total shit.

So after July 18, I will most likely be taking yet another year break from trying to maintain my own life and identity. It's surprising how mostly OK I am with that. And I SHOULD be OK with that. Jane is my number-one priority. But wish I could squeeze two or three more hours out of each day. Or win the PowerBall.